Souhan: First it's Tebowing and next you have Wilfing, Kahning

  • Article by: JIM SOUHAN , Star Tribune
  • Updated: May 25, 2012 - 4:40 AM

Stop these and other public acts before they reach epidemic proportions (perhaps we're already there).

hide

Quarterback Tim Tebow, now with the Jets, started the "Tebowing" craze. Can "Wilfing" and "Kahning" be far behind?

Just as all right-minded people suspected, Tebowing ruins lives.

Tebowing, the act of simultaneously genuflecting and imitating Rodin's Thinker on the gridiron after successfully evading linebackers and sins of the flesh, was popularized by a professional football player last year. His name escapes me, although he is rumored to have found a part-time job somewhere in the United States.

Last year Tebowing became one of America's most important fads, right up there with pretending to care about the Kardashians and watching television shows about storage bins.

Michelle Obama incorporated Tebowing into her fitness plan for America, but found that most citizens couldn't execute the move without stopping for a donut halfway to the ground. So it was left to the holy trinity of YouTube -- kids, pets and drunken middle-aged men -- to maintain the move's popularity.

And, oh, those kids. Tebowing returned to the news this week because a senior at Bishop Verot High in Fort Myers, Fla., was denied his diploma after Tebowing in front of the school principal.

According to the Naples Daily News, Chuck Shriner had to sweep the gym to earn back his diploma.

"They said what I did would give underclassmen inspiration to do something else, that it might lead to something else," Shriner said. "So they were trying to set an example."

Thank goodness for principals who clearly are not fascists.

The media, those enablers, predictably took the side of the Tebower, ignoring many studies that may or may not exist that prove Tebowing is what is known as a "Gateway Act."

It can lead to tapping your chest and blowing kisses to the sky after you finish the laundry, or making it rain with the change you get from your $7.56 drink at Starbucks.

Tebowing must be eradicated today, or it may or may not cause serious side effects. See a doctor if any of these symptoms persist for four hours or more:

• Wilfing: This condition causes a sore throat so severe that it prohibits speech, even if, say, you're asking for a half-billion dollars in public money to build you a stadium.

• Kahning: Also known as executive Tourette syndrome. Symptoms include rattling off five-syllable words, and telling people that the 5-6 point guard who played nothing but zone defense in college can become a star shooting guard and outstanding defender.

• Onterrio Fever: Causes bouts of irrational behavior, such as trying to smuggle a private-area prosthesis that allows you to circumvent drug tests through airport security. This condition is often accompanied by a loss of employment.

• Mono: When you are so frustrated or selfish that you refuse to pass the basketball, instead playing 1-on-5. Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony are carriers of this disease.

• Repetitive sentence disorder: Seen most often in Vikings General Manager Rick Spielman, who is known to begin press conferences with the word "again."

• Heat stroke: A condition that can grow so severe that it can cause hallucinations, like making it seem as if a 6-9, 260-pound man has disappeared before your eyes. A tropical disease known to occur most frequently in the fourth quarter of NBA games in Miami.

• Agoraphobia: Sometimes marked by a fear of open spaces, this condition forced Jason Kubel's slugging percentage to move to Arizona.

• Poison oak: What Twins hitters will do to any trees planted in center field.

• Excessive weight gain: This killer last year targeted Donovan McNabb, who, on the bright side, continues to lobby to have a McDonald's burger named after him.

• Spreeing: When you turn down a $21 million contract because it will not allow you to feed your family, and a few years later your yacht is repossessed.

• Foot-in-mouth disease: When a football coach who has never run a program invents the phrase "Gopher Nation," then creates a crisis to rival Greece's. Also see: Spreeing.

• Disorientation: When you run third-and-goal plays with Percy Harvin on the sideline, you may be disoriented. See also: Musgrave, Bill.

Jim Souhan can be heard Sundays from 10 a.m. to noon and weekdays at 2 p.m. on 1500-AM. His Twitter name is SouhanStrib. • jsouhan@startribune.com

  • get related content delivered to your inbox

  • manage my email subscriptions

ADVERTISEMENT

San Francisco - WP: M. Bumgarner 8 FINAL
Pittsburgh - LP: E. Volquez 0
Minnesota 7:25 PM
Green Bay
Buffalo 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Detroit
Chicago 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Carolina
Cleveland 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Tennessee
St. Louis 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Philadelphia
Atlanta 10/5/14 12:00 PM
NY Giants
Tampa Bay 10/5/14 12:00 PM
New Orleans
Houston 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Dallas
Baltimore 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Indianapolis
Pittsburgh 10/5/14 12:00 PM
Jacksonville
Arizona 10/5/14 3:05 PM
Denver
Kansas City 10/5/14 3:25 PM
San Francisco
NY Jets 10/5/14 3:25 PM
San Diego
Cincinnati 10/5/14 7:30 PM
New England
Seattle 10/6/14 7:30 PM
Washington
Washington 1 FINAL
Buffalo 6
Carolina 3 FINAL
Columbus 6
Pittsburgh 2 FINAL
Detroit 0
Montreal 3 FINAL
Chicago 1
Arizona 2 FINAL
Edmonton 3
Fla Atlantic 6:00 PM
FIU
UCF 6:00 PM
Houston
Arizona 9:30 PM
(2) Oregon
Louisville 10/3/14 6:00 PM
Syracuse
San Diego St 10/3/14 9:00 PM
Fresno State
Utah State 10/3/14 9:15 PM
(18) BYU
(6) Texas A&M 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(12) Miss State
Ball State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Army
Iowa State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(21) Oklahoma State
Marshall 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Old Dominion
Southern Miss 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Middle Tennessee
(20) Ohio State 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Maryland
Purdue 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Illinois
Florida 10/4/14 11:00 AM
Tennessee
SMU 10/4/14 11:00 AM
(22) East Carolina
Virginia Tech 10/4/14 11:30 AM
North Carolina
Eastern Mich 10/4/14 1:00 PM
Akron
North Texas 10/4/14 1:30 PM
Indiana
Massachusetts 10/4/14 1:30 PM
Miami-Ohio
Tulsa 10/4/14 2:00 PM
Colorado State
New Mexico 10/4/14 2:30 PM
TX-San Antonio
(3) Alabama 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(11) Ole Miss
(14) Stanford 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(9) Notre Dame
(17) Wisconsin 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Northwestern
Navy 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Air Force
(7) Baylor 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Texas
(4) Oklahoma 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(25) TCU
Wake Forest 10/4/14 2:30 PM
(1) Florida State
NC State 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Clemson
Buffalo 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Bowling Green
Ohio U 10/4/14 2:30 PM
Central Mich
Oregon State 10/4/14 3:00 PM
Colorado
Vanderbilt 10/4/14 3:00 PM
(13) Georgia
Kansas 10/4/14 3:00 PM
West Virginia
Kent State 10/4/14 4:00 PM
Northern Ill
South Alabama 10/4/14 5:00 PM
Appalachian St
Texas-El Paso 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Louisiana Tech
(15) LSU 10/4/14 6:00 PM
(5) Auburn
UAB 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Western Ky
Texas Tech 10/4/14 6:00 PM
(23) Kansas State
Michigan 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Rutgers
Hawaii 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Rice
Toledo 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Western Mich
ULM 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Arkansas State
Georgia State 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Louisiana
Idaho 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Texas State
Memphis 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Cincinnati
Arizona State 10/4/14 6:30 PM
(16) USC
So Carolina 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Kentucky
Pittsburgh 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Virginia
Miami-Florida 10/4/14 6:30 PM
Georgia Tech
(19) Nebraska 10/4/14 7:00 PM
(10) Michigan State
UNLV 10/4/14 7:00 PM
San Jose St
Ga Southern 10/4/14 7:00 PM
New Mexico St
California 10/4/14 9:30 PM
Washington St
Utah 10/4/14 9:30 PM
(8) UCLA
Boise State 10/4/14 9:30 PM
Nevada
Winnipeg 10/3/14 6:00 PM
Ottawa
Calgary 10/3/14 9:00 PM
Saskatchewan
Edmonton 10/4/14 3:00 PM
Toronto
Brt Columbia 10/4/14 6:00 PM
Hamilton
Hamilton 10/10/14 6:00 PM
Toronto
Ottawa 10/11/14 9:00 PM
Brt Columbia

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

question of the day

Poll: How will the Vikings do Thursday in Green Bay?

Weekly Question

ADVERTISEMENT

Connect with twitterConnect with facebookConnect with Google+Connect with PinterestConnect with PinterestConnect with RssfeedConnect with email newsletters

ADVERTISEMENT

 
Close