Just as all right-minded people suspected, Tebowing ruins lives.
Tebowing, the act of simultaneously genuflecting and imitating Rodin's Thinker on the gridiron after successfully evading linebackers and sins of the flesh, was popularized by a professional football player last year. His name escapes me, although he is rumored to have found a part-time job somewhere in the United States.
Last year Tebowing became one of America's most important fads, right up there with pretending to care about the Kardashians and watching television shows about storage bins.
Michelle Obama incorporated Tebowing into her fitness plan for America, but found that most citizens couldn't execute the move without stopping for a donut halfway to the ground. So it was left to the holy trinity of YouTube -- kids, pets and drunken middle-aged men -- to maintain the move's popularity.
And, oh, those kids. Tebowing returned to the news this week because a senior at Bishop Verot High in Fort Myers, Fla., was denied his diploma after Tebowing in front of the school principal.
According to the Naples Daily News, Chuck Shriner had to sweep the gym to earn back his diploma.
"They said what I did would give underclassmen inspiration to do something else, that it might lead to something else," Shriner said. "So they were trying to set an example."
Thank goodness for principals who clearly are not fascists.
The media, those enablers, predictably took the side of the Tebower, ignoring many studies that may or may not exist that prove Tebowing is what is known as a "Gateway Act."
It can lead to tapping your chest and blowing kisses to the sky after you finish the laundry, or making it rain with the change you get from your $7.56 drink at Starbucks.
Tebowing must be eradicated today, or it may or may not cause serious side effects. See a doctor if any of these symptoms persist for four hours or more:
• Wilfing: This condition causes a sore throat so severe that it prohibits speech, even if, say, you're asking for a half-billion dollars in public money to build you a stadium.
• Kahning: Also known as executive Tourette syndrome. Symptoms include rattling off five-syllable words, and telling people that the 5-6 point guard who played nothing but zone defense in college can become a star shooting guard and outstanding defender.
• Onterrio Fever: Causes bouts of irrational behavior, such as trying to smuggle a private-area prosthesis that allows you to circumvent drug tests through airport security. This condition is often accompanied by a loss of employment.
• Mono: When you are so frustrated or selfish that you refuse to pass the basketball, instead playing 1-on-5. Kobe Bryant and Carmelo Anthony are carriers of this disease.
• Repetitive sentence disorder: Seen most often in Vikings General Manager Rick Spielman, who is known to begin press conferences with the word "again."
• Heat stroke: A condition that can grow so severe that it can cause hallucinations, like making it seem as if a 6-9, 260-pound man has disappeared before your eyes. A tropical disease known to occur most frequently in the fourth quarter of NBA games in Miami.
• Agoraphobia: Sometimes marked by a fear of open spaces, this condition forced Jason Kubel's slugging percentage to move to Arizona.
• Poison oak: What Twins hitters will do to any trees planted in center field.
• Excessive weight gain: This killer last year targeted Donovan McNabb, who, on the bright side, continues to lobby to have a McDonald's burger named after him.
• Spreeing: When you turn down a $21 million contract because it will not allow you to feed your family, and a few years later your yacht is repossessed.
• Foot-in-mouth disease: When a football coach who has never run a program invents the phrase "Gopher Nation," then creates a crisis to rival Greece's. Also see: Spreeing.
• Disorientation: When you run third-and-goal plays with Percy Harvin on the sideline, you may be disoriented. See also: Musgrave, Bill.
Jim Souhan can be heard Sundays from 10 a.m. to noon and weekdays at 2 p.m. on 1500-AM. His Twitter name is SouhanStrib. • firstname.lastname@example.org