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Rhetoric raises bar, then lowers the boom

The 'new-and-improved' tag, once dug out of the recycling bin, will always spin false but fresh hope for a success-starved fan base.

By Jim Souhan, Star Tribune

Last update: May 17, 2007 - 10:07 PM

The Star Tribune headline read: "The New Chemistry: Glen Taylor and the Wolves' front office now emphasize input from many perspectives, hoping it will lead to moves that revitalize the franchise."

Which prompted this thought: Has a sports team -- or a newspaper, car company or widget maker -- ever offered a product that wasn't purported to be new and improved?

Can we get the Elias Sports Bureau to look up how many championships have been won by holding more meetings involving more voices?

Think how much satire and ridicule sports franchises could avoid if, instead of trying to sell the public on the wonders of group-think -- or on Sidney Ponson or Kim Johnsson -- they offered a shrug and an admission that they, like the rest of us, have no idea what the future holds?

Here's a look at how some teams have sold themselves, and what they would have told us had they ingested a little Sodium Pentothal:

Twins

The pitch: We've got the MVP, the Cy Young winner, the batting champ and a Gold Glove center fielder and we won 96 games last year with a bunch of guys who had career years.

The truth-serum kicker: no way that can happen again.

Yankees

The pitch: We just outbid every team in baseball to bring our fans a Hall of Fame pitcher.

The truth-serum kicker: After spending $200 million to build a team, you think it would take us longer than six weeks to scrap whatever plans we had made, whatever team rules we held dear and whatever dignity remained in the pinstripe.

Vikings

The pitch: Last year we talked about winning; this year we're talking about building.

The truth-serum kicker: Can we go back and try that the other way around?

Wolves

The pitch: We've got the same people who have made the NBA irrelevant in the Twin Cities, but we've got a new attitude.

The truth-serum kicker: No, we really can't believe we're trying to sell tickets by telling the public that we're going to hold more meetings.

Wild

The pitch: We're building with young players.

The truth-serum kicker: Those players might not be good enough.

Gophers basketball

The pitch: Tubby will save us!

The truth-serum kicker: After watching Dan Monson coach, anyone named Tubby -- or Grumpy, Doc, Bashful or Jimmy Rodgers -- would be welcome.

Gophers football

The pitch: Hi, my name is Tim Brewster, and I'm bringing enthusiasm back to Gopher football!

The truth-serum kicker: Hi, my name is not Glen Mason, and man, are people happy to meet me.

Gophers hockey

The pitch: We are the proudest and most successful hockey program in the country, with the best combination of fan base, arena, TV deal and legacy.

The truth-serum kicker: Catch us in December, before our best players start auditioning for the NHL draft.

Gophers women's hoops

The pitch: Come see Whalen's jersey!

The truth-serum kicker: Coach Pam Borton has a chance to accomplish something no other Gophers women's coach has ever done -- moving the games out of drafty old Williams Arena and back to the friendly little Sports Pavilion.

Lynx

The pitch: We've got Seimone Augustus, one of the most talented players in basketball.

The truth-serum kicker: If we had Lindsay Whalen, we might outdraw the Wolves.

Jim Souhan can be heard Sundays from 10 a.m.-noon on AM-1500 KSTP. jsouhan@startribune.com

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