The Turkey Committee did not host mere dinners to fete its award winners over the previous eight years. These were Thanksgiving feasts:
Huge, pen-raised, hormone-enhanced birds, baked to golden perfection. Sweet potatoes the size of a toddler's head. Mounds of well-seasoned, raisin-free stuffing. Endless rows of pumpkin and pecan pies.
Sadly, the Turkey Committee has had to face the reality the Clinton economic boom is over. We have been forced to cut back substantially on the vittles for the 24th annual Turkey Banquet.
That substance on your plate is pressed turkey roll. One dab of stuffing per plate. Itsy-bitsy pumpkin squares.
Folks, times are tough here at the Turkey Committee, too. The only thing we have in abundance is Turkey candidates.
Roll call, please:
- Don Lucia: Colgate. Bemidji State. Play these college hockey sad sacks if you must, Coach Lucia. Just don't forget to cover up all references to the "Pride on Ice" slogan at Mariucci Arena.
- Michael Jordan: Exactly what the young Wizards needed . . . a 38-year-old ball hog.
- Ari Fleisher: We're off the sports beat here, but admit it: If you covered the White House and had to deal with this condescending press secretary every day, the temptation to stick your head in the oven along with today's Thanksgiving dinner would be overwhelming.
- Mike Helton: The NASCAR president was in charge of the organization's months-long attempt to manipulate the investigations into Dale Earnhardt's death at the Daytona 500 in February.
For sure, Helton and his employers, the France family, did not want any report stating definitively that "soft walls" - a very expensive improvement - would have prevented Earnhardt's death.
- Sara Jane Olson: What has been your favorite part of Sara Jane's court appearances? The Turkey Committee especially enjoyed the sighs and head shakes when the judge made her return to court to reaffirm a guilty plea on taking part in the pre-planning of a plot to blow up L.A. cop cars. What an actress! Please, judge, forget the latest change of Sara Jane's mind. Just let her go and she will promise to donate several jars of her famous strawberry preserves to a food shelter.
- Tom Moe: J Robinson's campaign against the damage Title IX has done to men's collegiate sports has led to a seething resentment toward Moe within the University of Minnesota establishment. And Robinson, even with last spring's national championship, has not received public support from Moe, an athletic director who continues to come off not as an advocate for his department but as a toady for university president Mark Yudof.
- Lee Greenwood: Every time we have a national crisis, this one-song opportunist shows up before every kickoff and first pitch and tipoff imaginable. Enough, Lee. Go back into hiding.
- Tony Dungy: The committee does not often admit errors. Here's one: We were unanimous in the belief a nice guy serving as an NFL head coach could get the best from his players.
- Joe Mauer: What could be the Twins' last act of Minnesota loyalty was to use the No. l draft pick on Mauer, the St. Paul high school star. Mauer was so moved he delayed most of the $5 million signing bonus until he could establish residency in Florida and avoid Minnesota taxes.
These contenders were eliminated in preliminary voting. Three entities made it to the final round of balloting.
- Second runners-up: There are 772,285 Minnesotans who can claim this status. You know who you are. You voted for Jesse Ventura in the 1998 gubernatorial election.
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