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The Turkey Committee first assembled in 1978. In this, its 15th year, the committee has taken a look inward. The era when America honored selfishness is over. It is time for everyone - including the Turkey Committee - to reach out and help those who are less fortunate.

That is why a couple of special guests have been invited to the 15th Turkey Banquet, which is being held today at the site of Patti's, the now-defunct restaurant that had a glorious run of, what, six weeks on Hwy. 12.

The guests are from the ranks of the recently unemployed: Rick Bay and Earle Bruce. These men have been linked since 1987, when athletic director Bay turned down the task of firing football coach Bruce, and both left Ohio State.

How remarkable that, five years later, Bay and Bruce would join the unemployment rolls within days of one another.

Bay was fired as president of the Cleveland Indians because of philosophical differences with the team's owner. The guy must have wanted Bay to work, rather than hire. Bruce was fired as coach at Colorado State. The administration was offended by the verbal and physical abuse the old coach heaped on players.

It was not possible for the Turkey Committee to invite all of America's 9.3 million unemployed citizens to today's feast. To demonstrate a commitment to the caring '90s, the committee has invited Bay and Bruce, a couple of guys who now need a meal.

We would ask the previous winners of the Turkey of the Year Award to take their seats: Pete Rozelle and Bowie Kuhn (1979), Bobby Knight (1980), George Steinbrenner (1981), Billy Martin (1982), Paul Giel (1983), Les Steckel (1984), Lou Holtz (1985), Kenneth Keller (1986), Carl Pohlad (1987), Louie Nanne (1988), Mike Lynn (1989), Kent Hrbek (1990) and Chris Doleman (1991). The committee has given the 1978 winner, Woody Hayes, an excused absence.

The birds have been radiated to a pale brown. If any of this year's honorees do not approve of dining on turkeys that have been raised in pens and pumped up with growth hormones, we are offering an option to the main course: milk-fed veal.

To introduce the 1992 honorees, we are proud to have America's hottest celebrity, Kathy Lee Gifford. Please, Kathy Lee, no singing. Just open the envelopes. Let's go:

George Nicolau/ This is the arbitrator who reinstated Steve Howe to baseball, accepting the argument that Howe's seven suspensions for cocaine use and his conviction on a drug charge could be blamed on this: Howe was hyperactive as a child.

Earvin Johnson/ The Turkey Committee enjoyed Magic in the All-Star Game, enjoyed him with the Dream Team, but this attempt to pass off himself as the world's most-enthusiastic heterosexual has become too tacky to be ignored.

Marilyn Carlson Nelson/ The daffy duck lady turned loose hordes of crazed senior citizens, ripping luggage from the grip of horrified Super Bowl visitors as they arrived at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. Nelson orchestrated those seven wonderful days in January, when we proved there are more rubes per square foot in this state than any other area in the Western Hemisphere.

Gary Gaetti/ The dreary, inept, unemotional effort Gaetti has demonstrated while taking the California Angels' money has disgraced everything he stood for in Minnesota.

Neal Broten/ Neal has done about as much for the North Stars on his big contract as Gaetti has done for the Angels.

Dorothy McIntyre/ This veteran warrior from the Minnesota State High School League has gone after the barriers preventing gender equity the way Lizzy Borden went after her parents. Finally, in 1992, Dorothy went off the deep end, when she complained that women football players weren't getting proper respect.

Rick Aguilera/ The Twins' bullpen ace had 41 saves. How did he earn an invitation to the Turkey Banquet? Two words: Eric Fox.

Dan O'Brien/ There were enough stories this summer about the heartbreak of O'Brien, the U.S. decathlon failure, to provide a 747's worth of barf bags. The Turkey Committee would like to offer another perspective: Dan O'Brien, choker of the year.

Keith Millard/ The Mallard didn't make it through September before he drove his employers nuts in Seattle. He didn't make it through October in Green Bay. He has plenty of career options: police officer (no weapon required), driving instructor and counselor at the team-building center in Pecos River, N.M.