Clearance Clarence: The time for a childish Twins brawl is near

  • Blog Post by: Michael Rand
  • July 13, 2010 - 1:15 PM


Commenter Clarence Swamptown never pulls punches in his weekly feature Clearance Clarence. In fact, this time around he advocates throwing a lot of them. We have to say this is an entertaining bit of writing, backed up by the requisite knowledge that his bloodlust comes from a juvenile place. And that's OK. Here we go. Clarence?


The Minnesota Twins limped into the All-Star break, mostly because of underachieving half-seasons from Michael Cuddyer, Joe Mauer, Denard Span, Nick Blackburn, Scott Baker, and Kevin Slowey. Anyone who watches this team can see that it lacks a certain spark.  They have no passion.  Even the typically reserved Justin Morneau has expressed concern over the team’s “energy” level. Ron Gardenhire has held pregame pep-talks, and salty veterans are growing mustaches, but nothing has worked to date.  Perhaps Cuddyer’s new philtrum forest will provide some much-needed mojo, but I am not sure that we can wait that long.  I have grown tired of the post-game nice-guy platitudes.  “It's been a season of tough luck, but that's baseball'' is nothing more than a useless cliché.  
I hereby propose that the Twins enact the Reggie Dunlop Theorem, which states the following:
If a team is underperforming, said team shall start a huge, Sportscenter-leading, SWAT-team deploying, Juan Marichal-blushing, monster-{redacted} legendary {redacted}-{redacting} BRAWL. 
The timing is perfect.  Coming out of the All-Star Break the Twins will face the division-leading Chicago White Sox in a four-game homestand.  The White Sox feature a wonderfully bombastic manager and a roster littered with unrivaled ri-vals.  The Twins should bust out of the second-half gate and punch those guys in the mouth, both figuratively and literally.  Put a fastball in their {redacted} side, clear the {redacted} benches, and let 'em know you're {redacted} there. (Proprietor note: Language warning on that Slap Shot link). Let the sold-out Target Field mob go crazy, and let the White Sox and Detroit Tigers know that you’re ready for a 12-week fight. 
Look, I fully realize that this is a childish proposal, but the world of professional sports does not relate to the world that you and I live in.  You could walk up to the fourth floor and rain haymakers on that {redacted} Hanrahan in Accounts Receivable, but that won’t improve your Price to Sales ratio.  Baseball is a child’s game played by adult children, and athletes often respond to this type of action.  Even if it doesn’t work, at least A.J. Pierzynski might get punched in the face again.

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