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Guest Post COW: Clarence Swamptown's fantasy cooking draft

  • Blog Post by: Michael Rand
  • August 26, 2009 - 11:11 AM

Clarence Swamptown (also known as becker22) is the Commenter Of the Week for his general wit and some specific comments we don't recall at the moment but which made everyone laugh last week. Here he is to tell you all he knows about cooking:

Frequent Randball commenter lattewarrior is organizing a Fantasy Top Chef league, which is just like fantasy football except you draft chef-testants from Bravo’s “Top Chef” show. It would be fun to play, but I have not seen the show and have never really jumped on the reality cooking contest bandwagon (see Hell’s Kitchen, Chopped, Chopping Block, etc.). If I gave it a chance, I would probably love Top Chef because I love competition and I love food shows.

I do all of the cooking in our house, and if the TV is on it is probably turned to my stomach’s favorite porno station, the Food Network. So with apologies to Neal Justin for stepping on his turf, here are my power rankings of the Food Network chefs, just because:

1. Guy Fieri - He plays up the California surfer guy shtick, but Guy is extremely likable, knows his food, and hosts the best show on the network, “Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives."

2. Alton Brown- He knows everything about every food on earth, including how the molecules of each ingredient interact with each other. He hosts the second best show on the network, “Good Eats," where he takes a food, like bacon, and breaks it completely down like Mortensen analyzing the 3-4.

3. Gina Neely - The Neely family operates a historic barbeque restaurant in Memphis. Gina hosts the barbequing show “Down Home With the Neely’s” with her husband, Pat. I love barbeque. I love a sassy African-American woman. This show is right in my wheelhouse.

4. Giada De Laurentiis (pictured) – I have no idea what her show is about. It doesn’t matter.

5. Rachael Ray – Say what you want about her bubbly (read: annoying) personality. Her show “30 Minute Meals” provides good recipe ideas that take less than 30 minutes. Very useful.

6. Sandra Lee – She hosts “Semi-Homemade," another very useful show. She takes a few fresh ingredients (onions and chicken, for example), combines them with a few ready-made ingredients (frozen vegetables and refrigerated bread dough), and makes a good meal (chicken dumpling soup). Easy, simple, and it reflects how most of us cook.

7. Mario Batali – The Fellini of my stomach’s Italian-food fetish.

You are probably saying to yourself, “But Clarence becker22, how does this relate to sports? And why do I care what you think about these people?” Well, it doesn’t, and you don’t. But if you have your own favorite TV chef or cooking show, I would love to hear about it. I love food, especially bacon. A few other talker ideas:

• Lew Ford has signed a minor-league deal with the Cincinnati Reds. Will he and Corky Miller finally finish that 4-year old game of World of Warcraft?

• Which would be the bigger scandal in Minnesota: Discovering Joe Mauer is on steroids, or discovering Joe Mauer was actually born in Kenya and is not “one of us?" I say Kenya.

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