Lileks: What if they held a melee -- and nobody came?
- Article by: JAMES LILEKS
- Star Tribune
- December 28, 2013 - 7:42 PM
Extra security has been hired for the Metrodome’s last hurrah. The headlines say they want to prevent a melee. Is this what we’ve become? You could understand a ruckus, maybe, to use a word you only see in a newspaper, but a melee?
You could imagine someone telling a TV reporter, “Well, yeah, me and my friends there, we just wanted to get some paint scrapings from the bathroom stall walls, for, uh, history ’n stuff, but when the ruckus went and turned into a fracas, we started worrying about a melee, so I just dampened some paper towels with some real Metrodome water and put it in the freezer when I got home. Something I can leave for my kids.”
Sure, fans swarmed over the scoreboard at Met Stadium in 1981 like fire ants on a hot dog, but that was a different time. And people liked Met Stadium. Rioting for a piece of the Dome is like knocking over grannies to barge in line for free fruitcake.
If there is melee-type activity, a TV reporter may describe the situation as looking “like a war zone,” since most armed conflicts are characterized by people running away with blue plastic chairs. But it probably won’t happen. Come the last moments, the only thing people will want to take … is a selfie.
I like the new stadium, even if it resembles a glassy Ikea cabinet someone tried to assemble after five beers. In 30 years it will be obsolete, because anti-concussion laws will be passed to make football safer, and instead of tackling, players will bring down the ball-carrier by tapping his shoulder with the index finger of a giant foam hand. The sport will lose popularity; the NFL will disband; but the stadium will be repurposed to hold giant-robot gladiatorial contests. (They will enter on monster trucks and it will be awesome.)
No one will want to tear it down. As for the Metrodome, well, a fellow could make a few dollars standing on the corner after it’s gone, selling pieces of cinder blocks he pulverized with a sledgehammer. Rubble! Get your genuine heirloom-quality Metrodome rubble!
What do you mean? That just looks like ugly concrete devoid of aesthetic or historical importance.
Yeah. Like I said. Genuine!
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