Lileks: All things stadium go much like this
- Article by: JAMES LILEKS
- Star Tribune
- November 30, 2013 - 4:46 PM
As you may have heard, they’re breaking ground for the new Vikings stadium Tuesday. Here’s how that will go:
10:15 a.m.: A group of industry analysts says the tent where the ceremony is held is inadequate. It should have a heated skybox area where people can watch the groundbreaking from higher up, indicating their superior cultural and economic status. In fact, without skyboxes in the tent, it’s unlikely the Vikings can afford to break ground.
The ceremony is temporarily halted while the Legislature is contacted; a bill is drawn up for a bigger, better tent. The bill stalls over a provision to require wood from Minnesota forests, but makes it out of committee with an amendment to require a shovel from a locally owned hardware store.
Rumors spread: The groundbreaking may be moved to Los Angeles. Management insists that it is committed to breaking ground for the Minnesota Vikings stadium in Minnesota, but points how other teams have built groundbreaking tents with a much richer revenue stream. (The ceremony’s organizers could have sold Standing Licenses for $529 each.) While the bill moves forward in an emergency session, drawings are released of the new proposed Groundbreaking Tent. It stands two stories high, has a retractable roof, a Jumbotron that shows the ceremony in HD, and an array of robotic backhoes painted purple that will break the ground in a choreographed display, accompanied by “We Will Rock You” on a 26-speaker surround-sound system. It will be paid for by a tax on e-pulltabs.
The Legislature funds the new tent, as well as the Outstate Hurt Feelings Soothing Panel, which hires actors to make pretend groundbreakings in distressed areas of the state.
The new tent will not be built until 2014, but since everyone is present, they decide to break ground for the new groundbreaking tent. The master of ceremonies hands the shovel to the next person, who drops it; the shovel is picked up by a Packers fan who runs away and is never caught. Another shovel is found, but it cannot break the cold ground. It is the first groundbreaking ceremony for a stadium ever declared a tie.
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