Hax: Are those red flags for you or him?

  • Article by: CAROLYN HAX
  • September 22, 2013 - 2:00 PM

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been divorced one year after a four-year marriage. We shouldn’t have gotten married, I knew that at the time, and I accept that I made a huge mistake when I full well knew better. I’m intent on NOT repeating that mistake.

I’ve recently attempted dating again, and the issue is that if a guy says anything my ex-husband could have, would have, or did ever say — opinions about life, relationships, politics, family, etc. — then I completely lose interest. They could be otherwise amazing, and share just one unacceptable view with my ex, but as soon as the words come out of their mouths, I’m done. I can hear it coming sometimes and in my head I’m begging them not to finish the sentence.

Am I being too hard on myself, and everyone else, looking for someone who has absolutely nothing in common with my ex? Or do I need to decide and isolate which of these opinions are truly deal-breakers — things that contributed to the hostility between me and my ex — and worry about those?

Carolyn says: There are two possible origins to such reflexive rejections: Either these men are revealing key similarities to your ex-husband, and therefore you’re right to stop seeing them — or you’re overreacting to perfectly innocent statements because you’re still not fully healed.

Two possibilities, but they point to only one piece of advice. Trust this reflex, don’t try to override it. Why? Because if it’s a red flag about the guy(s) you’re dating, then the reason not to override it is obvious.

And if the red flag is about you, then it might be tempting to try to “fix” it, to talk yourself into being more rational about — and fair to — the men you date, before you’re ready for that. Any effort to fix it would involve forcing yourself to proceed with dating while tuning out your “No!” voice, and while knowing you can’t trust your own reactions to people. And that’s like diving into the deep end without knowing if you can swim.

With your history of getting married even as your little voice screamed “nooooo” — when you “full well knew better” — that’s like diving in knowing that last time you sank like a stone.

I realize I advise this to the point of self-parody, but please find you before you go looking for someone else.

Weigh what these men have said, yes, to see why you reacted so strongly. More broadly, though: Learn to hear your inner voice, to heed it, to look back to see whether it was right, and to tweak your understanding of it accordingly. In the meantime, learn to inhabit the life you have instead of trying to push it somewhere else.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at

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