Ask Amy: Ex threatens to crash wedding
- Article by: AMY DICKINSON
- July 31, 2013 - 2:19 PM
Dear Amy: I am thrilled to be marrying my beloved fiancé this fall! We are so excited. There’s only one problem.
My ex, “Steve,” broke up with me a year ago. It was not a happy relationship, but getting over him was hard.
As soon as I got serious with my fiancé, Steve decided that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I have tried to be firm but kind in saying that it’s out of the question.
Since then Steve has said twice that he is going to crash the wedding. My response was casual but clear (obviously, that he shouldn’t do it), because I don’t want it to become a battle of wills. I haven’t spoken with him since, but it would be in keeping with his personality to do it anyway.
I can’t bring myself to talk to my fiancé about it, because I don’t want to mar the anticipation of the day for him, especially if nothing happens.
Information about the wedding is not public, but there’s a chance he could somehow find out the place and time. I have thought about hiring security or talking to male friends of his to talk sense into him.
I’m starting to have nightmares about all the ways this could ruin the happiest day of my life, and far worse, ruin my fiancé’s day. I love him so much, and I can’t stand the thought of how it would make him feel.
Amy says: You say you are having nightmares. You should not go into your wedding day without your future husband knowing about this risk. This falls into the “full disclosure” clause of the marriage contract. Wouldn’t you want to know if your fiancé was wrestling with a similar issue? (You would.)
Do not communicate further with your ex and do not involve his friends or your guests.
Hire a professional, reputable security guard with experience. Provide a photo of your ex and ask the security person to politely, discreetly and quietly escort “Steve” to the curb if he shows up. One low-key professional security person (dressed in street clothes) can take care of this — and any other issues that might arise at the ceremony or reception.
Big oops by sitter
Dear Amy: My 19-year-old dog sitter flooded our bathroom floor while we were away, and it damaged the ceiling of the condo below us.
By her own admission, it was her fault, caused by pointing the shower head out the shower door. The plumber says he doesn’t even understand how (or why) she did it.
We just moved into the building, so besides the $400 plumber costs and repairs, it also damaged our relationship with the neighbors. I don’t know why she was showering in our home.
The dog sitter’s mother is demanding I pay her because it was “an accident.”
I replied that I was waiting for the bills to come in for the repairs and would handle it with her daughter directly.
Should I pay her fully, pay her partially or not at all? We all make mistakes.
Amy says: You are correct: People do make mistakes. And this was a doozy. You should deduct the amount you would have paid for dog sitting from the total amount for repairs. Tell the girl that she made a mistake but that she owes you the remainder (or your insurance deductible, whichever is less).
She might be able to repay you by dog sitting a few times — if you can risk it.
Dear Amy: I got a kick out of your reprint of a letter from the person whose child still loved his blankie. One of my children (in college) still loves her “blankie.” As a baby she was my “Velcro” kid — attached to my hip. She needed to feel safe and secure more than my other children and uses her blankie when she needs to decompress.
Amy says: These attachment objects can fill a void, and I agree it’s not a big deal.
Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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