Ask Amy: Ex-wife is always calling for help
- Article by: AMY DICKINSON
- June 29, 2013 - 2:00 PM
Dear Amy: At what point does one cut off contact with an ex after divorce when no children are involved?
My partner and I have been living together for a year. We are both in our late 40s. My issue is that my boyfriend’s ex-wife constantly intrudes in our lives. She’ll phone and expect my partner to drop everything and dig her out of trouble — things he has no business being involved in.
They’ve been divorced for three years. He insists he doesn’t love her and there is nothing between them. The strange part is they are not even friends.
He is the love of my life and says I am his, and we want a long and happy future together. But I can’t cope with his seemingly ongoing loyalty to assist her. He says he has no guilt — they both wanted out of the marriage — so I don’t understand the reasoning behind the ongoing contact, and I have no patience for it. Shouldn’t I get priority status in his life?
Amy says: You needn’t claim “priority status” in your guy’s life, but your relationship should definitely have priority status. This means that you will both have to learn how to create boundaries with family members, friends, colleagues, etc., and that you will also, to some extent, share these outside friendships and relationships with each other.
The next time your guy chooses to embark on a rescue mission for his ex-wife, you should go with him. She should get the message that you and he are “Team Smith.”
Once you become a functioning and involved team member, you will stop feeling so threatened. You will also gain the status to say to her, “You really need to call a professional repair person, don’t you think?”
Handling fundraising pitches
Dear Amy: I have a solution for the neighbor who was constantly being hit up by cute neighborhood children selling fundraising items. It is very easy to make a deal with these youngsters.
The couple can say that they would be happy to purchase one thing each year from each child, and the child can decide which one thing he or she would like to pitch within a designated amount of money.
That helps the children weigh and measure which item is the most desirable to the couple, while also teaching the little entrepreneurs self-discipline.
I have used this deal for decades, and it works perfectly because the terms are understood by all.
Amy says: Brilliant! I like it.
Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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