Ask Amy: Out-of-control niece needs stability
- Article by: AMY DICKINSON
- March 27, 2013 - 3:43 PM
Dear Amy: My brother has fallen upon some hard times. He and his daughter have moved in with my parents while he gets back on his feet. I am very happy he has the opportunity to do that.
The issue is his 5-year-old daughter (the child’s mother is not in the picture). She is the rudest, most disrespectful child I know. I have four children myself and while they are not perfect, they do not hit their grandparents, tell me or my wife that they hate us, tell us to “F” off, or use vulgar language like this cousin does.
She has absolutely no discipline and my brother does nothing about it. My parents choose to divert her attention instead of telling her no!
Whenever my family spends time with my brother and niece, my wife and I have to spend several days afterward correcting our children’s behavior from what they have learned from her. My children are young and impressionable, and some don’t even want to be around her.
My niece is causing extreme tension in the family. She needs discipline, which she is clearly not getting!
How should we handle this? We are a small, tight-knit family. Everyone complains about her but says nothing.
Amy says: Without positive mentoring and good role models, this very young child is a raging whirlwind. Her behavior is a reflection of her life so far. She is practically begging for attachment, stability and loving discipline. So give her some.
You and your family can demonstrate positive, pro-social behavior. Urge your children to play nicely with her and make sure an adult steps in with patient and firm correction the minute she acts out. Notice and praise her for any (even minimal) positive changes. Spend one-on-one time with her. Do not give up on her.
She needs to be taught how to be a child. She has experienced the loss of a parent and the loss of her home. The adults who are raising her are letting her raise herself without consequence; they are not offering any positive alternatives.
This child’s father needs basic parenting instruction and support. He would benefit from a professional parenting class. Help your brother to be a better dad and urge your parents to help by introducing consistent, appropriate and compassionate consequences when she acts out.
Dear Amy: I was recently married to a man with a 10-year-old daughter, whom I adore. I also have a daughter, 12, from a previous marriage.
My daughter has been extremely close to my best friend since birth. She calls her “aunt,” and I love the bond they have. My best friend has met and hung out with my stepdaughter from time to time and my stepdaughter has grown very fond of her.
However, my stepdaughter lives with us only part time, while my daughter is with us full time, so it’s only natural that my best friend sees my daughter more often.
My best friend recently got engaged. She told me that she is going to ask my daughter to stand up in her wedding as a junior bridesmaid.
I completely understand this and would never expect her to also ask my stepdaughter. But my stepdaughter is very inquisitive and I am dreading the “Why didn’t she ask me?” question. What do I tell her?
Amy says: You can explain that your daughter has known the friend since she was a baby. Kids are able to understand that people have special relationships — perhaps your stepdaughter has at least one of her own. If your stepdaughter is going to be invited to the wedding as a guest you can help her to find a special dress and share your excitement in enjoying the event together.
Dear Amy: I felt for the daughter who wrote you about her father’s rages. I hope she can face this and get him to recognize the effect his anger is having on their family.
I can tell you from experience that if things don’t change, a raging parent can affect everyone’s physical, mental and emotional health.
Amy says: I hope this daughter follows your sage advice.
Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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