Amy: Friends' flirtations get complicated
- Article by: AMY DICKINSON
- January 25, 2013 - 3:09 PM
Dear Amy: I would like some advice on a situation that’s been bothering me for quite some time. I have two best guy friends. Both of them are straight. I am gay. They are pretty open-minded about having a gay best friend. However, both of them allow me to flirt with them insistently. Things even went to another level with one of them.
I don’t know if they are playing mind games with me because they are in denial about their sexuality, or if they think my feelings are just a joke — you know, the whole “ha-ha, my gay best friend likes me” thing.
I would like to have a relationship with one of them, but at this point, if they can’t be comfortable with themselves, what is the point?
Amy says: I see your situation as being analogous to one where a straight man says, “My best women friends let me come on to them and yet won’t have a sexual relationship! How dare they toy with me!”
I don’t really see sexuality as being the primary factor. This is more about honesty — yours and theirs.
Do you have no responsibility for your own behavior? Is “insistent flirting” the only way you know to relate to men you care about? You seem to be toying with your friends as much as you think they are “playing” you. It is possible that your behavior toward your friends is as confusing for them as their reaction is baffling for you.
If you want to have a sexual relationship with your one friend, you should do something more challenging than flirting with him and passively hoping he’ll reciprocate (making you angry when he doesn’t); you should be brave enough to talk to him.
Worried about friend
Dear Amy: I’m a junior in high school, and one of my close friends recently invited me to follow her blog. After reading her blog for a few weeks, I’ve come to realize that she’s posting more and more about being fat (she’s not, at all) and about starving herself.
I’m so worried about her. She just told me that she has clinical depression, which makes me think that this really might be serious. I really love her and try to tell her that as often as possible, but aside from that I have no idea what to do. I hate seeing my friend do this to herself.
Amy says: I share your concern. Your friend’s blog is at least semipublic and she is using it (I believe) as a cry for help. If she has developed an eating disorder, the sooner she gets treatment the better her chance for recovery.
I urge you to notify responsible adults at school (your school nurse and the school counselor) and your parents about what you are reading on your friend’s blog. She needs adult help and intervention. You are a very good friend to care so much and for being willing to act on your concerns.
Invite the neighbors?
Dear Amy: I live in a brownstone building with three apartments and have a neighbor question.
I am throwing myself a birthday party at home. One set of neighbors is great, but the other neighbor has turned out to be a bit of a nut case.
I really don’t want to invite either of them but feel this strange sense of requirement to do so. What is your take?
Amy says: When you share a living space with other people (through a shared entrance or adjoining apartments), the protocol is to notify your immediate neighbors that you will be having a party and ask them to excuse, in advance, any inconvenience or noise your shindig might cause.
If you are planning a small gathering there is no requirement to put your neighbors on notice, nor should you feel obligated to invite anyone you don’t want to share your special evening with — a neighbor or not. Healthy boundaries make good neighbors.
Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.
© 2016 Star Tribune