Amy: Should he mention abuse 50 years later?
- Article by: AMY DICKINSON
- January 18, 2013 - 4:52 PM
Dear Amy: You have published letters from people in all walks of life and of all ages who have one thing in common -- they've all been sexually abused.
I'm one of these people. I was abused many years ago by a teen neighbor. My sister was abused at the same time. It was a "one-time only" event and consisted of what you might call "sexual touching."
I've never discussed this with my sister (or anyone else). We're about a year apart in age. She's a year younger than me. This took place more than 50 years ago.
Should I bring up this subject? I don't even remember the name of the boy who did this, so there's no going back to the old neighborhood and warning others.
Amy says: You should talk about this. This incident has been on your mind for more than 50 years, and you need to communicate about it in order to try to understand it and place the abuse in some kind of context.
I can imagine that this is quite bewildering and painful for you. Ideally you should seek out a professional counselor and discuss this in therapy before taking this memory to your sister. Your sister may have a completely different memory or reaction to this event, and you should have professional guidance as you go through this process.
Male Survivor is an organization committed to helping men and boys heal from sexual abuse. Its helpful website can connect you with other survivors and professionals (malesurvivor.org). One of the most powerful messages is a very simple one: You are not alone. If you and your sister are able to communicate about this, you will reinforce this message to each other.Bride-to-be mistake
Dear Amy: I got engaged about a year ago and couldn't wait to share the news with my two college friends.
One of them immediately asked, "Am I going to be in your wedding party?" I was so thrown off guard that I immediately responded, "Of course!"
A year later, we are actively planning the wedding, and I know I don't want her to be involved. She's in an intense graduate program that won't end until after the wedding. Money is tight and her schedule is tighter. Also, she has recently become one of my "small doses" friends. She can be really negative and opinionated, and I really want a stress-free time during the planning period.
All this is made more complicated by the fact that every single time I talk to her she asks if I've decided on wedding colors or picked out bridesmaid dresses. I don't even know if I want bridesmaids, to be honest. I'm overwhelmed, but I don't want to have someone in my wedding just because I couldn't be honest about my feelings when she asked to participate. How do I tell her?
Amy says: Before doing this, realize that you will most likely lose the friendship over this.
You sound prepared to do that, so here's how you tell her: You start by apologizing and go from there. Don't make excuses or blame her schedule.
Say, "I am embarrassed and owe you an apology. Even at the time I asked you to be a bridesmaid I knew it was not a good idea for me, and now I am going in another direction. I was overwhelmed and should not have asked you before thinking it through. I hope you'll forgive me."
You'll have to decide whether to invite her to the wedding as a guest.
Offense not intended
Dear Amy: I was running on the lakefront path early this morning. I passed two runners who were missing one leg each and were wearing prosthetics.
I have the utmost respect for any runner, but especially for someone who is disabled. As I passed by them, I smiled and said, "You're both amazing!" Neither of them looked happy to receive this compliment.
The rest of my run I was wondering if I offended them. Do you think it's better to not say anything next time I'm in a similar situation?
Amy says: You meant well and should not worry too much about this, but surely you can imagine that having an obvious disability subjects these runners to frequent comments and that sometimes they might simply like to run along the path just like everyone else.
Unless you pass a group of young children whose running you feel compelled to encourage, then -- yes -- I do think it's better to treat all of your fellow runners simply as fellow athletes who are all more or less equally amazing.
Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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