ADVERTISEMENT

Taylor Swift would be a natural for a special with the man in red.

Chad Batka, New York Times

Dreaming of celebrity specials

  • Article by: JEN CHANEY
  • Washington Post
  • December 19, 2012 - 2:36 PM

About 9 million Americans watched Blake Shelton cavorting with elves during his holiday special this year, "Blake Shelton's Not So Family Christmas."

While the sight of a "Voice" coach twangily yelling at a little person dressed as a roast turkey may not be a yuletide tradition -- yet -- the celebrity-helmed Christmas show is certainly a long-standing cornball custom popularized years ago by, among others, Andy Williams.

This year, we've seen variety shows from Shelton and his "Voice" colleague Cee Lo Green. A few years ago, we got one from Stephen Colbert. Given how many famous people are itchy for attention in our great, Santa Claus-worshipping nation, we're certain of one thing: There is more work to be done here. So consider this list of celebrity holiday specials that really should exist but for some reason, do not:

"Santa Claus Is Never Ever Ever Coming Back to Town: A Taylor Swift Christmas"

Swift starred in a self-promotional Thanksgiving night special two years ago but still hasn't hosted her own splashy, candy-cane-coated program. Given how much the girl loves the color red, it is a federal crime that this hasn't occurred. I envision a music-filled hour in which she sings a couple of duets with a hot Santa's helper, and a bunch of break-up songs about how Santa totally dumped her. She can then stage a grand finale in which she reconnects with Santa, pulls off his beard and reveals him to be Harry Styles from the boy band One Direction, whom she is reportedly dating.

"A Wes Anderson Christmas"

Imagine the ensemble the quirky filmmaker could put together -- Bill Murray, all of the Wilsons, Bruce Willis, a stop-motion animated fox with George Clooney's voice. Imagine the number of times we would hear Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown-y holiday music, which is the best holiday music there is. Imagine the yuletide-themed Andersonian fonts. Imagine that tremendous American Express commercial he made a few years ago, but with even more snow. I want to watch this right now.

"Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway: Home for the Holidays"

They could sing solos. They could sing duets. They could do cooking segments. Paltrow could tell us how to decorate our home with tinsel sold via her Goop newsletter at a completely reasonable price of $8,000. Honestly, I think this could be highly enjoyable. And for those who get their jollies by hating on Paltrow, Hathaway or both, it would be the Greatest Christmas Gift of Potential Live-Tweeting Snark they've ever received. No one loses in this scenario.

"Getting Christmas-Crafty With Amy Sedaris"

Crocheting! Kookiness! Probably some legitimately good holiday cookie recipe ideas! And appearances from special guest stars Martha Stewart, David Letterman and brother David Sedaris, who could do a live reading from "The SantaLand Diaries," because there's no way he's sick of that!

"A Trainwreck Christmas With Lindsay Lohan"

This seems like an inevitable path for her to someday pursue. And it could be kind of fantastic in an old Dean Martin special sort of way, where you never know what might happen or how much anyone has had to drink.

© 2014 Star Tribune