C.J.: Tebow + Bachmann = Bieber?!*#
- Article by: C.J.
- Star Tribune
- January 11, 2012 - 5:07 PM
There's not enough action to speculate about three days before another wonderful weekend of Saturday and Sunday playoff games, so NFL.com's been reduced to photo cerebrations about what Denver QB Tim Tebow's children with various, mostly beautiful, women would look like?
I say the women are mostly beautiful because among them is that study in boredom and homeliness that is alleged movie star Kristen Stewart.
Among the undeniably beautiful women on the list is Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
According to the NFL, the Tebow-Bachmann progeny would look like Justin Bieber. NFL.com staffers are clearly out of their minds. They probably just wanted to work Bieber into the mix somewhere. Of course, the underlying message could be that two religious people may produce one bratty little pop star.
Bachmann's press secretary, Becky Rogness, wanted no part of this discussion when reached for comment Wednesday. "Thanks for the opportunity, but I'm going to have to decline to comment on this one," Rogness said via e-mail. She has not responded to my request that she find out how Marcus Bachmann feels about the NFL ruminating about his wife with the young stud.
Tebow is technically a stud, even though he must be a virgin, right?
It would be inconsistent for the QB to keep Godding it up and Tebowing without remaining celibate, I'm thinking. Weeks ago I sent Tebow a message via Twitter to ascertain whether virginity was part of his fervent religiosity. SURPRISE: He hasn't responded to my question.
And I'm still pulling for Tebow to throw any other miracle pass this weekend that defeats the Patriots, in general, and Tom Brady and his coach, specifically.
At least give NFL.com credit for couching this waggery in the framework of a marriage, as opposed to the other way too many celebrities and professional athletes choose to bring children into the world. "Tebow's celebrity marriage: What would the kids look like?" reads the headline on the drollery at www.startribune.com/a945.
Besides Bachmann, the deliberation provides photos of children Tebow might produce with Lady Gaga, Penelope Cruz, Megan Fox, Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez and Oprah.
The list also includes the names of two celebrities whose reproductive organs have been in the news lately -- Beyonce and Katy Perry.
In a statement, Beyonce said she gave birth "naturally" and not by C-section to Blue Ivy Carter. (BIC's extravagant parents should pay for the college education of every other baby at Lenox Hill Hospital inconvenienced by the high level of security that attended this apparently high-risk delivery. Oh, and when it comes to songs celebrating blessed events, Jay Z, you're no Stevie Wonder.)
Perry's marriage to Russell Brand reportedly broke up because she was not ready to have children. That's what you get for marrying a woman a decade younger, Russell, who's in her 20's and at the height of her career. ( I'll have empathy for a man's biological clock when he can gestate the offspring. Russell should have no trouble finding a woman to have his children -- Brad Pitt didn't.)
Hey, I think I've figured out why NFL.com is toying with Tebow: They miss the entertainment value of the shenanigans from Brett Favre's sexting scandal.
C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or email@example.com. E-mailers, please state a subject -- "Hello" doesn't count. Attachments are not opened, so don't even try. More of her attitude can be seen Thursday mornings on FOX 9.
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