Calling Interference

Liz made an appointment to see her vet, frantically asking for help with her cat's aggression. Liz and her cat, Jasmine, have been living together without incident for 12 years. Enter Paul, Liz's partner of two years and the purported object of Jasmine's fury. Jasmine, who is very bonded to Liz and generally suspicious of newcomers, has never really connected with Paul. Shortly after Paul moved in, Jasmine sank her fangs into his ankle, requiring a trip to the emergency room. Since the initial bite, Paul has been bitten twice more and is now avoiding time at home. Paul implores Liz to "do something" to restore the harmony in their relationship, which has been strained by not only Jasmine's behavior, but by what he sees as Liz's loyalty to Jasmine over him. Liz, however, feels torn - Jasmine has been both a devoted companion and a child to her. While Liz adores Paul and understands his anger at Jasmine's attacks, she is angry with Paul for asking her to choose between him and her beloved cat.

Whose side are YOU on?

Whether your vote lands in Paul's or Liz's (or Jasmine's) square, it is important to peel apart the layers of this deceivingly simple conflict. All too often, people perceive animal problems and people problems as distinct in cause and in solution. In reality, humans and animals are interconnected, and our bonds with animals may both affect and be influenced by our human relationships and patterns. Human-animal relationships do not occur in a vacuum and, as such, are part of the tangled web of personal histories, expectations, fears and hopes that arise from human experience.

It is not uncommon for animals to serve as the apex of a relationship triangle. While triangles are great in geometry, they are not always so functional for interpersonal issues. "Triangles" are relationship structures that diffuse anxiety and conflict by spreading out that anxiety from two emotionally invested parties to three. Sometimes this kind of diversion can be a good thing, enabling two people to blow off steam with a third party (often a friend, a child or a parent) until they have the energy and perspective to problem-solve together. However, triangles can also get in the way of partners being able to attend to the core of their relationship by locking conflict in place. The third party - in this case, the cat - may be acting up as a way to diffuse other unnamed tension in a relationship. Jasmine, however problematic and risky her behavior may be, may also be serving as a scapegoat for two people who have reached difficult terrain in their own intimate partnership. Unfortunately for Liz, the problem between Jasmine and Paul is probably not just about Jasmine or Paul.

It is important to recognize that animals don't choose to be the apex in any relationship. Sure, they make 'take sides' (my dogs clearly favor me over everyone else in my family, partly because of our long history together and partly because I hold the key to the food bin) - but they don't position themselves strategically to make someone else miserable. To assert that Jasmine is biting Paul in order to interfere with his and Liz's relationship, or for Paul to harbor resentment about Liz's close relationship with Jasmine, would be saddling the cat with a set of emotions and motivations that say more about human needs than animal needs. After all, humans are quite adept at finding deep meaning (and deep hurt) where it otherwise would not exist. The ability to infer is human - the ability to simultaneously adapt, diffuse tension, provide comfort and complicate human relationships is uniquely feline (and canine and equine...).

Creating positive relationships

So what can you do if you find yourself in a conflicted critter/partner triangle? As any therapists worth their salt will tell you, creating positive and productive relationships is not without hard work and sacrifice for all parties. Sometimes, unruly behavior in an animal is simply unruly behavior (a consultation with a trainer may do some good). In other cases, inappropriate elimination, destructive chewing or scratching, or aggression is a response to changes in a household or an escalation in human anxiety or conflict. If your animal is acting up, consultation with a veterinary behaviorist can help to accurately describe the behavior, identify its triggers (or other underlying causes), and help you and your partner put together a plan for how to modify (or eliminate) it.

Matching values

Additionally, you and your partner may have very different ideas about the importance of animals to human wellbeing. While you adore your critters and consider them to be family, your partner may think your love of animals is excessive or unreasonable - or worse, threatening to his or her relationship with you. If you find yourself in this position, take stock of what and who is important to you (including values, relationships and personal needs), and then engage in an honest conversation with your partner. While personal differences can add texture and interest to our relationships, divergent world views, such as those that revere or dismiss animal relationships, can cause long-standing conflict between mates. If the latter sounds familiar, you may benefit from working with a couples therapist, particularly if that clinician has an appreciation of the human-animal bond. Once you identify your goals and your "deal-breakers," the likelihood of a peaceable kingdom may be well within your grasp.

Jeannine Moga is a therapist and human- animal bond specialist at the University of Minnesota Veterinary Medical Center, and an editorial advisory board member for Star Tribune Pet Central.