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Dave Churchill: Airport noise (and I don't mean planes)

Tim Boyle, Newsmakers via Getty Images 2000

To walk through almost any terminal is to be bombarded by amplification.

By DAVE CHURCHILL, Fergus Falls Daily Journal

Last update: October 30, 2009 - 6:59 PM

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Some people find the booming, repetitious announcements of airport public address systems annoying. Not me. I have passed beyond annoyance to fascination.

It is hard not to laugh when speakers belch out a warning that "the Department of Homeland Security has determined the threat level to be orange." Almost a decade after the color-coded threat system was created, its workings remain so mysterious that the announcement is completely pointless.

Is orange good or bad? Hard to know anymore. Americans already suspect that the threat level is "elevated." But elevated over what? Has orange become the new normal? In any case, it seems like it might be time to reconsider the scary announcements, because this one has lost its impact.

In Atlanta's gigantic airport, the routine announcement is about the carry-on liquid rule. Passengers who have passed through security and are waiting to board their flight are treated to frequent, droning reminders that it's bad -- very bad -- to carry through security a container with more than 3 ounces of liquid. It's great advice -- for passengers who haven't already come through security. So why is it being droned at passengers who already know? Makes about as much sense as any other part of what passes for airport security.

In making travelers' lives miserable via noise, the government has been joined by cable news channels. Over the past few years, gigantic flat-screen televisions endlessly broadcasting CNN and Fox "news" programs have appeared in airport departure lounges. It began with large airports, but the trend has worked its way down even to two-bit places like Fargo's Hector Field.

The volume of these televisions is invariably cranked high so that it can compete with the pointless security announcements and the actually useful sounds of gate agents boarding flights. Add it all together and it is a noise assault worthy of the Metrodome during a Vikings game. With a television around every corner, there is no escape.

Most likely the cable networks have subsidized installation of these televisions to boost their shrinking audience. Of course, no one is actually listening to the noise, because the passengers are all talking on their cell phones, checking their e-mail, writing on laptops and looking at newspapers.

The most ingenious television noise spot is in South Bend, Ind. (which also happens to have the most officious Transportation Security Administration crew in the nation). There, the airport planners -- and I use the term loosely -- have reached new heights in passenger annoyance. Two giant flat-panels face each other across the waiting area. Passengers who can see the television showing CNN's programming are seated directly underneath the Fox TV, and can only clearly hear Fox programming. Those who can hear the CNN set can only see the Fox programs.

I have long admired the South Bend airport's ingenious devotion to annoyance. Passengers who are attempting to exit the airport's security zone must pass through a revolving door that is too small to accommodate roller bags. Plus, the supposedly automatic door almost always stops moving just as a passenger tries to enter, causing many a stumble.

But I would rather smack into a cranky revolving door every day in exchange for an airport where the noise level is tolerable.

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