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Continued: How politicians are like other creepy crawly things

  • Article by: JOHN KASS , Chicago Tribune
  • Last update: October 18, 2013 - 11:12 AM

Eureka, I thought, and told an editor, who made a face and asked, in the manner of most Americans:

“Is this analogous to my career?”

It very well may be analogous, if you pay taxes.

What’s truly amazing is that Pruitt now believes his model allows for the study of “the rise and fall of entire lineage of organisms based on who started it. And that’s seven years downstream.”

Who wouldn’t be interested in extinction? Doctors want certain infectious diseases to disappear. The agriculture industry hopes the same for pests. Others are interested in the hopes of saving certain species from extinction.

Still others hope to save the republic, although they’re outnumbered by docile and aggressive spiders who don’t know what that word “republic” really means.

“Now we can manipulate the factors that can drive extinction and because we can see it happening in the field over and over, we can basically get at this in a way that only math could do before. Now we can do it with a real animal.”

Like those two-legged creatures who once lived free but have taken to printing cash to pay for their gorging and now want to extend the debt ceiling?

Pruitt realized this was getting political. He played along in a nonpartisan, purely scientific way.

“You can absolutely analyze. ... I’m not trying to say that passive individuals are meant to die. But when they’re at odds, when they’re in competition with another population, another tribe or a group of people who have at least a very small group of aggressive individuals, it’s good.”

He mentioned a female politician who may seek the presidency, but asked me not to use her name: “She’s supermanipulative and kind of aggressive, but actually I want her on my side. I would rather her work for my country (colony) than somebody else’s.”

And what of another faction - a minority considered too aggressive by political scientists - that issues warnings that the colony won’t survive if the docile spiders keep printing cash and spending and spending?

“They are very, very aggressive. They do not back down,” Pruitt said. “Now we’re involved in the infighting issue, which happens in the spider societies, too, when you have too many aggressive individuals and they won’t back down. They actually lose resources.”

When a spider society is about to become extinct, they just keep doing what they’re doing. The dociles don’t become aggressives, and the aggressives don’t become dociles. They’re spiders, and when their colonies die off, they’re just simply gone.

But the two-legged meat eaters?

Unlike spiders, when they die off, they at least have the decency to leave campaign slogans behind.

Like the ones that promised “fiscal responsibility” so the colony would survive.

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