Tips for dealing deal with the news that the mandate survives.
You thought he was going to propose. And then he dumped you.
You stood there waving your Don't Tread on Me sign, and then the court - led by John Roberts - came along and did just that.
How to cope?
It's one thing to deal with the loss of a loved one. But how do you deal with the news that someone you hate has survived? The individual mandate - now officially your least favorite kind of man-date - is still in place, smirking at you.
And - adding insult to injury - you can't even move to Canada! They have more health care than we do.
Here are some tips for coping:
1. Denial. Luxuriate in the memory of those few minutes when CNN and Fox announced an overturn. Call your friends and neighbors and reminisce loudly about Citizens United. Repeat "The Roberts court would never do that to me!" in a bold, assured tone. Insist that "Every analyst can't be wrong! These people must know something about something, or why are they always on TV?"
2. Anger. Repeat, "The Roberts court would never do that to me!" but in an irate, high-pitched yelp. Purchase a dozen "Impeach John Roberts" tank tops for the beach. Make a really large poster with a snake on it. Remove the wax sculpture of John Roberts from its place of honor in your home and place it on the curb. Leave uninsured people with preexisting conditions on John Roberts' doorstep, ring the doorbell and dash off into the night. Become a talk radio personality. Rupture something.
3. Bargaining. Send Mitt Romney money.
4. Depression. Send Mitt Romney money in an envelope with a sad face on it. Adopt a more sedentary lifestyle. Take up smoking. Forswear kale. Drink heavily, garnishing your beverages with smoked hams. Eat cupcakes smeared in butter. Murmur, "That'll show 'em." If possible, transform into a giant cockroach and go banging around your apartment hissing and alarming your neighbors.
5. Acceptance. Move to Canada.