Garrison Keillor: Please return to your seats. If you can.

Jim Gehrz, Star Tribune file

JIM GEHRZ

By Garrison Keillor

Last update: December 17, 2008 - 3:21 PM

It is rather haunting, the notice above the Flush button in the toilet on the airliner, "Do Not Flush While Seated On Toilet." One imagines the engineers of the toilet running tests with flush dummies with big flat butts and the suction ripping the stuffing right out of them, and the engineers thinking, "Oh criminy, you mean we wasted three years on this sucker?" So lawyers were brought in to write the warning, which had to be short enough to be printed in large type so that geezers would see it, who are the ones most likely to flush while seated.

So they limited themselves to those seven words and eliminated "Flushing While Seated May Suck Your Colon Out Of You And Cut You A New Orifice While Changing Your Gender In Ways You Don’t Even Want To Think About."

I sat down on the closed toilet seat to ponder this and saw that, from the angle of the sitter, the warning notice is not all that prominent. A person could sit there and not notice those seven words, or mistake them for something innocuous such as "Do Not Flush Wallet Down Toilet" or "Use Only As Much Toilet Paper As You Need," the sort of signage that’s written by morons for idiots, and so — distracted perhaps by sudden turbulence or feeling rushed because others are waiting — he presses the Flush button and suddenly feels the toilet grip his hinder like a python seizing a rat. He tries to pry himself loose. No go.

Now the flight attendant is tap-tap-tapping on the door. "Are you all right?" she asks.

The man on the toilet, Mr. Murphy, doesn’t know how to answer that question. He is, basically, all right in that he is an economist with a shining résumé, is married to a noble and resourceful woman, has three excellent children who are drug-free and on the upward path, and he is flying to Washington to interview for a high-level position in the Department of the Treasury.

On the other hand, he is trapped in the toilet.

She persuades Mr. Murphy to unlock the door. She tries to yank him off the toilet by his wrists and then she lifts up his shirttails and tries to break the seal by inserting her elegant fingers between the toilet seat and his posterior. But he is well and truly stuck.

One last yank and she accidentally pushes the Flush button again and it makes a great flubbery sound that shakes the aircraft, and now poor Murphy feels his innards being pulled downward. He faints. And when he awakens, the plane has made an emergency landing in Schenectady and six men in yellow phosphorescent coats are cutting the toilet with an acetylene torch. They lift him out, the seat still stuck to him, and right here, as he’s being carried to a gurney, his luck runs out.

Recent Opinion Exchange stories

Readers Write for Wednesday, Nov. 11 - December 17, 2008

Readers Write for Wednesday, Nov. 11 - Opinion polls show that America's top two concerns are jobs and the economy. Congress is addressing these concerns by tackling health care reform. We are currently spending 17 percent of gross domestic product, double what all other Western democracies spend. More

Comment on this story | Read all 9 comments | Hide reader comments

New ideas for the public sector

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME to create a more efficient Minnesota. Facing large budget deficits at the state, county and local levels, Minnesotans are seeing with new clarity that the public sector must adapt to new economic realities. Only the smartest, most strategic reinvention will ensure that our tax dollars are spent on the best programs and services. Read more

About Opinion Exchange

Opinion Exchange is produced by the Editorial Department, which is dedicated to hosting the discussion on a range of issues of interest to Star Tribune readers online and in print. In its new format, it's our hope that Opinion Exhange will create a more dynamic dialogue between Star Tribune readers and the Editorial Board. Many individual posts will be written and signed by members of the Editorial Board and will reflect their own opinions. Daily editorials will continue to represent the institutional voice of the newspaper and be researched and written by the Editorial Department, which is independent of the newsroom.

Subscribe to RSS|Learn more about RSS