THE PALIN PREGNANCY
Jay Leno: "Gov. Palin announced that her 17-year-old daughter was five months pregnant. O-ho, you thought John Edwards was in trouble before."
Conan O'Brien: "Palin has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Palin said, 'We should never have introduced her to John Edwards.'"
Jimmy Kimmel: "Remember when the Republicans compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears? Now they've got their own Jamie Lynn Spears."
David Letterman: "The Palin family crisis has been solved now. The baby is being adopted by Angelina Jolie."
O'Brien on the convention's themes: "The theme [Tuesday] night is, 'Who is John McCain?' The theme for [Wednesday] night is, 'Who forgot to check and see if the vice president's daughter is pregnant?'"
GUNNING FOR SARAH
Letterman: "You gotta love this. Sarah Palin is an avid hunter. A vice president who likes guns? Well, what could go wrong there?"
Aasid Manvi on "The Daily Show": "The theme for Day 3: Republicans will buy your house. They've got money, and they love houses."
Leno: "John McCain was ... helping out with the hurricane. To give you an idea what a passionate guy McCain is, he moved over 200,000 evacuees into some of his empty houses."
Kimmel on McCain's age: "Sarah Palin's got a 4-month-old of her own, she's about to become a grandmother and she's partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?"
Leno on Palin's beauty-pageant past: "Back in 1984, Sarah Palin finished second in the Miss Alaska pageant. Now she might be the vice president. You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty-pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace."
O'Brien on Minnesota's demographics: "True fact: This year there are only 36 black delegates at the convention in Minnesota. As a result, there are now 37 black people in Minnesota."