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Ham Lake parents who lost son speak out against bullying

A school district that's had its own problems with bullying brings in Fred and Kathy Trosvik of Ham Lake who've faced the direst of results.

By HERÓN MÁRQUEZ ESTRADA, Star Tribune

Last update: October 24, 2009 - 10:56 PM

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Fred and Kathy Trosvik knew that their 12-year-old son, Tom, was being picked on at his school. He'd told them so.

But the Ham Lake couple didn't know how bad the bullying had become at the Fridley school until it was too late.

Tom, an honor student who faced merciless teasing on the school bus, came home on the afternoon of Feb. 8, 2006, went into the family's barn and hanged himself.

"We just had no idea," Kathy Trosvik said Thursday. "We had talked to him about it and he said it had gotten better."

To help others prevent such a tragedy, the Trosviks have started a foundation to deal with bullying in schools.

"This hits home because it is a real-life story," said Jessica Nelson, one of the executive directors of B.U.L.L.Y. -- which stands for "Building Understanding Love and Learning for Youth" -- a group the Trosviks started in memory of their son.

Last week, the organization took its message to Monticello Middle School, which last year dealt with its own bullying issue. About 10 students were disciplined in a cyber-bullying case in which inappropriate images were sent via the students' cell phones.

Known as "sexting," the use of cell phones and other technology for harassment or bullying is the latest twist on an age-old problem: how to protect kids from other kids.

As a result of this and other incidents, most school districts in the state have come up with or are developing cyber-bullying policies. Part of the Monticello School District's plan involved bringing in B.U.L.L.Y. for a meeting with parents and kids.

"We decided we wanted to do something," said Gary Revenig, assistant principal at the Monticello Middle School. "You might as well address it."

The bullying discussion was part of a three-part presentation Wednesday by the district for parents and students.

"We really need this, given the day and age we live in now," said Stacey Krats, who has two third-graders and a fifth-grader in the Monticello schools. "I hope that it's preventive."

Staggering numbers

The data presented by Nelson and another B.U.L.L.Y. executive director, Jennifer Ayshford, about the number of students involved in or victims of bullying were staggering.

Nationally, one out of four kids is bullied and one out of five kids admits to engaging in some type of bullying behavior. Also, eight percent of kids miss one day of class per month out of fear of bullies.

Nelson told one story about a Twin Cities mother who had to get a restraining order against a 7-year-old who was bullying her 7-year-old.

Among the biggest barriers to dealing with bullying is the fact that kids don't like to talk about it.

That was the case in the death of Tom Trosvik. The kids on the bus knew what was happening. Even the bus driver knew.

"There were a ton of kids on the bus who saw what was going on," Nelson said. "They could have done something about it, even the bus driver."

Among the things the children bullying Tom had done was to tell him some of the ways he could kill himself, including hanging.

In fact, Kathy Trosvik said Thursday, the bus driver heard Tom talking about hanging himself in response to the taunting that was going on.

The mother said she found this out the morning after her son's death when the bus pulled up and the parents had to go out to the driveway and tell the driver what happened.

Often, students will not tell anyone when they see something for fear of retaliation. And often, adults at school or around the students involved don't intervene or report incidents because they look at the situation as "kids being kids."

"It is a criminal issue," Nelson told about 100 kids and parents.

"It definitely goes beyond teasing and kids being kids."

Heron Marquez Estrada • 612-673-4280

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