This blog covers everything except sports and gardening, unless we find a really good link about using dead professional bowlers for mulch. The author is a StarTribune columnist, has been passing off fiction and hyperbole as insight since 1997, has run his own website since the Jurassic era of AOL, and was online when today’s college sophomores were a year away from being born. So get off his lawn.

Posts about Restaurants

Jenn May Have Been a Robot

Posted by: James Lileks Updated: January 14, 2014 - 12:15 PM

Today’s telemarketing scum-scam: GATOR FORD. Sounds legit, right? Hey, if there’s a gator in the name it’s probably from Florida, and I can’t see any reason to doubt the good intentions of a car dealership in Florida. Let’s answer!

I got “Jenn,” who said she was calling from the National Auto Warranty Something Something, and I told her that I was on the Do Not Call List, and had no prior relationship with the company, and that I should be taken off the list.

It’s almost touching, isn’t it? The faith one has in the power of words.

There was a pause, during which I could hear the room tone of the call center in the background, and then Jenn, confused, repeated the same line.

At this point I thought I might be dealing with a robot, and if so, I wanted to play. But if they had recorded voices queued up and ready to engage, did they add the sound of a telemarketing boiler-room to make it more authentic?

I’ll never know. After a pause Jenn said she would take my name off the list. Sure you will.

I clicked over to the Do Not Call Complaint Registry Page, where I submitted a complaint. This has the same effect as a peasant in pre-Revolution France sending a letter to the King complaining that the local nobility is keeping his infant son awake with their hunting parties.

Convicted telemarketer scam operators should have a big POUND SIGN tattooed on their forehead, and when you see them you can rap them smartly on the head with a metal baton. Oh, I’m sorry, are you on the Do Not Hit list? I’ll be sure to take you off.

Here is the attitude of telemarketing companies toward the consumer:

GLUG Finally: a life-sized Titanic Simuator. Guardian:

A life-sized replica of the Titanic will become the centrepiece of a landlocked theme park in China, featuring a museum and a shipwreck simulation to give visitors a harrowing sense of the 1912 disaster.
The Chinese version of "the unsinkable ship", with a price tag of 1bn yuan (£100m) and an expected opening date in 2016, will be built at least 930 miles from the nearest ocean in the central province of Sichuan.

I know what you’re asking: does the actor who played Captain Smith in the movie approves of the venture?

Bernard Hill, who played Captain Edward Smith in the movie and flew to Hong Kong to show his support for the Chinese replica, dismissed suggestions that building a theme park based on a tragedy was inappropriate. "It's been approached in a very delicate and a very sensitive way and they are very aware of the extent of the disaster in 1912," he said.

So if he’s okay with it, everyone should be fine.

VIDEO OF THE DAY Cartoon Brew says that CGI Charlie the Tuna is a thing the world did not need, and it’s hard not to agree:

Cooment:

Eh?

Eh?

Astonishing realism aside, the voice is all wrong. The original was Herschel Bernardi, of course, doing a New York sixties hipster back when that meant “black glasses, beret, reefer” and the like. It would have been out of character for Charlie to want to be accepted by Starkist, since that suggested his hipster identity was just a pose, and he really yearned for mainstream acceptance. Or he wanted to be speared with a hook, dragged from his element, asphyxiated and chopped up. Depends on how you read the character.

Go here for Brew’s collection of Chuck Jokes Charlie spots.

JAM THIS A writer goes in search of the origin of Artisanal Toast - yes, toast - and finds a small cafe in San Francisco:

If Trouble’s toast itself made instant sense to me, it was less clear how a willfully obscure coffee shop with barely any indoor seating in a cold, inconvenient neighborhood could have been such a successful launch pad for a food trend. In some ways, the shop seemed to make itself downright difficult to like: It serves no decaf, no non-fat milk, no large drinks, and no espressos to go. On Yelp, several reviewers report having been scolded by baristas for trying to take pictures inside the shop with their phones. (“I better not see that up on Instagram!” one reportedly shouted.)

Because that would spoil everything. The long search is here. It's just ridiculous.

Does look like good toast, though. 

You won't believe how much you don't care

Posted by: James Lileks Updated: December 31, 2013 - 12:36 PM

Esquire has a story titled “Why You Shouldn’t Drink Champagne on New Year’s Eve.” Bossy today, aren’t we? No link for you. But here's the teaser:

Champagne is expensive and so burdened with the weight of forced festivity that it's almost impossible not to be let down when you remember you don't even like it.

Oh, shut up. I mention it only as another example of modern headlines - their hectoring tone and clicky-linky style. It’s taken over the internet, and you won’t believe what happened next! For example:

Well, yes, I probably will believe, since the dog became Doge and the rest is played-out meme history. Does anyone ever read these piece and reel away in a state of confusion and disbelief? It can’t be so! It can’t! Yet it is! As the year ends, and this trait shows no sign of abating, YOU NEED TO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING - sorry, sorry, that’s another cheap annoying trick - and read “4 Reasons ‘Viral’ Content Stopped Mattering in 2013” by Cody Johnston. It’s brilliant and hilarious and absolutely right. 

SCIENCE! Screencap of something from my Zite App, which doesn’t always assemble things the way the original poster intended:

A Peter O’Toole robot would be cool, but I’m not sure “highly attractive” is the right word.

Speaking of unattractive things:

ARCHITORTURE It’s nice that the commercial vernacular of the 70s is getting some attention; it’s just a pity it’s, you know, the commercial vernacular of the 70s. The Pizza Hut buildings were ungainly and ill-proportioned, but they were certainly distinctive. Atlantic Cities studies how they’re being reused:

For Pittsburgh resident Mike Neilson, proprietor of Used to Be a Pizza Hut, the iconic hump-roofed structure brings back happy memories of growing up the 1980s in the suburbs of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Back then, Pizza Hut pizza was "the de facto standard," he says, to be eaten while playing tabletop Pac Man games.

The one in North Fargo, where I learned the waitering trade, was overhauled in the strange suburban-chain style that’s regrettable in its own special way.


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In the comments someone says “there needs to be a ‘used to be a TacoBell’ website” Maybe. How about a “Used to be a Zantigo’s site”? A few examples still dot the metro.

ART Chris Ware has a New Yorker cover that will be familiar to any parent. For some reason he has to explain it, and convert the wry smile of self-recognition to glum worry:

Sometimes, I’ve noticed with horror that the memories I have of things like my daughter’s birthday parties or the trips we’ve taken together are actually memories of the photographs I took, not of the events themselves, and together, the two somehow become ever more worn and overwrought, like lines gone over too many times in a drawing. The more we give over of ourselves to these devices, the less of our own minds it appears we exercise, and worse, perhaps even concomitantly, the more we coddle and covet the devices themselves. The gestures necessary to operate our new touch-sensitive generation of technology are disturbingly similar to caresses.

Well, for him, perhaps, but I mostly use quick-flick motions and reverse-pinch-to-zoom, neither of which people seem to appreciate when applied to their faces.

But the point is solid. How many people tonight will be shooting the countdown to midnight - in vertical mode, of course - instead of looking directly at everyone else around?

Happy New Year, however you choose to celebrate it; see you in 2014!

The Telepathic Elf Advocate

Posted by: James Lileks Updated: December 23, 2013 - 12:39 PM

They have magical powers, but they can't get across a highway:

Elf advocates have joined forces with environmentalists to urge the Icelandic Road and Coastal Commission and local authorities to abandon a highway project building a direct route from the Alftanes peninsula, where the president has a home, to the Reykjavik suburb of Gardabaer. They fear disturbing elf habitat and claim the area is particularly important because it contains an elf church. The project has been halted until the Supreme Court of Iceland rules on a case brought by a group known as Friends of Lava, who cite both the environmental and the cultural impact — including the impact on elves — of the road project. The group has regularly brought hundreds of people out to block the bulldozers.

Hundreds of people, relative to Iceland’s population, is no small number. The article quotes a human intermediary who communicates with the elves telepathically. The solution seems clear: Elf Crossings, and tunnels placed at regular intervals.

About that Elf Advocate: she’s named Ragnhildur Jonsdottir. Google that, and you get two people. One’s an actress.

She’s the blonde in this movie, “the top-grossing film in Iceland in 2007!” She will enter the world of role-playing nerds:

Or, this Ragnhildur Jonsdottir.

You could probably go to Iceland and run into either one. Why not try? It's only six hours away, and Iceland Air flies to the Twin Cities. Delicious pastries served before you land, and the all-Iceland music channel gets you in the mood.

COFFEE Good restaurants are using Nespresso cups. Is this an unpardonable sin against humanity? Aeon mag:

You might not care much about fine dining or coffee. But you probably do value the skills of the artisan and might well believe that food is one of the ever-dwindling number of domains where individual human flair and creativity cannot be bettered by the mass-produced and mechanised. If so, you should care about the challenge to your assumptions that the rise of capsule coffee represents.

I don’t think anyone who doesn’t care about find dining or coffee is particularly concerned about the representation of the capsule’s assumptions, let alone its challenge. But it’s a good point: is there a difference between a Nespreso cup and something made by hand?If the cup was made a few years ago, and the human has a particular skill at tamping down the grounds and adding a picture of Doge in the foam, of course there’s a difference. So the author arranges a taste test, and the results . . . are here. Skip right to the comments, where people are slapping each other in the face with wet trout over the smallest of things.

VIDEO  Who’s up for some high-quality electrical plant demolition? Here you go.

WORD SALAD Let’s check in at that nonsense blog that tosses all sorts of search terms in the blender for other robots to click on. It’s run by “Leonard.” This week he’s all het-up over - well, you’ll see. No link, because that would be rewarding him. 

Overall, the hotwives in minnesota and low rate mortgages, then Minnesota may be impounded on the hotwives in minnesota by Minnesota Care, General Assistance Medical Care, and Medicaid managed care plans serving non-disabled populations, and discovered that an Officer seeking to test a driver's blood, urine or breath to see what magic the hotwives in minnesota at the hotwives in minnesota who dream instead of heading north to Minnesota can be classified as humid.

Wow! Tell me more!

Needless to say, Minnesota Twins first hit the hotwives in minnesota as the Vikings has been passed must be submitted electronically by the hotwives in minnesota, 30 hours are required to maintain your driving privileges after being arrested for a coffee date or dinner date.

Keep that in mind.

That's it for today; off to walk around in the ridiciulous cold, for some reason. 

Pris, the Permanently Scarred Plastic Horse

Posted by: James Lileks Updated: December 5, 2013 - 12:44 PM

I just made a grave mistake. I went outside. I don’t think I’ll do that again. Yes, yes, we’re hardy up here, impervious to the cold, reveling in the plume of steam that unfurls from our happy mouths as we trod along on snowshoes singing fa-la-la, but there’s a point where it actually is too cold. Today’s close. From ‘CCO, some timely advice:

If you think you have frost bite, here’s how to treat it without doing more harm to your body. The first thing sounds simple, but you should get out of the cold.

You may want to print that out and carry it around.

Also, Take off any wet clothing and get dry clothes on. Lastly, warm the affected tissue with warm water, not hot water.

The last line is useful; if you have no feeling in your fingers, hot water may burn them. the word “tissue” has a green link on the original page, by the way; it’s one of those evil sponsored links that pops up a box advertising something called “Kleenex.” Seems it’s a thin, disposable piece of paper you can use to blot nasal discharge. Fascinating! Thanks for the heads-up, and I’ll look into it.

CHRISTMAS STATUARY Here’s another picture from a trip to Menard’s Plastic Seasonal Aisle. The first one is a rather empty manger; seems to suggest that Jesus came back after 30 years to check out the old neighborhood.

The Illuminated Cow is in the background, and there’s also Permanently Scarred Horse:

He’s seen things. Horrible thing.  If he has a name, it’s probably Pris.

CHECK PLEASE The 44 worst people in every restaurant. The list starts strong and peters out, but it makes a few old points. Everyone should work in a restaurant in their late teens and early twenties. It teaches you everything you need to know about work. It’s menial, creative, require a host of social and logistical skills, and leaves you better prepared to deal with idiots, tyrants, thieves, and angels.

The author of the piece, alas, has that snooty tone you get when waiters start to admit how much they hate people. Specific people. Oh, heck, all of them.

Do you really think that by calling prosciutto “pra-shoot” that the Italian waiter will go back to the kitchen and regale the chefs with praise-filled stories of the man at table 16? Also, you’re from Wayland, MA.

And if the guy says “Prossy-cuto” or “”pros-koo-eeto” or some other variant he’s a moron, and you’l go back and tell the chefs how he pronounced it.

The site threw up a screen asking if I wanted to subscribe to get all the latest Minneapolis-St. Paul-related news in my inbox. Oh don’t be silly, of course not. Because your site has stories like this:

If a stranger ever leaned over in a public place and said “you should be eating this sandwich” you’d ignore him or move away. If he persisted in telling you what you SHOULD be doing RIGHT NOW and got too close I think you're legally permitted to step on his feet “by accident.” Let me check with a lawyer.

As long as we’re on the subject of “Sponsored Content” that makes erroneous presumptions:

I'm thinking I might not. 

Now go slap a guy with an eel. 

Good Dog, Naughty Site

Posted by: James Lileks Updated: November 21, 2013 - 12:22 PM

Treats and repetition have delightful results:

That's from BuzzFeed, with the attribution "tumblr.com." Seems a bit vague. to their credit, they have the original YouTuvbe video from which it's taken. But llet's have more fun with attribution, shall we? Buzzfeed has a new BuzzFeed Gif Feed, presented by Google + GIF Feed. Click on the link and you go here, where you see the worst logo rolled out this week:

As they would say, what is this I don't even Now let's click on a link. You get a pop-up window, the name, sharing buttons, and a source. You think: how about that? They're finally getting serious about meticulously sourcing things. But it's a source to a BuzzFeed story. Cick on that, and the GIF is now credited to giphy.com, which is like crediting a book's existence to its location in a library.

From Giphy to MTV, which credits them back to RealityTVGifs, where the trail stops. (Language warning on that last one.)  It can be difficult to trace the source back, but what they've done here is define "source" as "where we used this thing we got somewhere eise."

Here's an idea: make your own damned GIFs and run nothing but. Or would that tax the skills of the people who write "17 Ways You Know People Are Judging Your Feet"?

In related news, from the Daily Dot: "Four Amazing BussFeed Lists that are full of blatant lies." Only four? Actually, it's a link to some stories that reinforce the author's assertion: the best parody of BuzzFeed is often done by BuzzFeed itself. Intentionally, which is even better. 

MY EYES Stumbled across a new news site today. Ugliest piece of modern web design I've ever seen. Ready? Here.

MY EARS Here's a Comedy Central bit from the other night, building on Jon Stewart's philippic on the virtues of New York pizza. It seems to find virtue in the idea of New Yorkers as proudly unpleasant people. I guess they don't like Chicago-style, because you can't fold it up and eat it, which is like saying steak is annoying because you can't put a T-bone all the way in your mouth. There are times you want thin; there are times you want deep.If you want something cooked an hour ago, sitting out and congealing in the counter, reheated when you order it, New York's your place/ If you wan a fresh-baked Geno's with chunky tomatoes and a corn-meal crust and those slabs of home-made sausage, go to Chicago. If you like sauce - the true soul of a pizza - you can lift up that New York slice and use a magnifying glass to prove there is indeed a smear of red between the cheese and the crust, which, by the way, has the consistency of a record-album cover in a thrift-store bin. I don't know why New Yorkers pick this issue to fight about. if they like their pizza, fine; just don't expect everyone else to fall over because it's what you're used to it and it comes from NEW YORK. I've had better in Fargo.

Bonus points for Steve Buscemi, though.

Geno's. Ahhhhhhh.

BLACK FRIDAY Far be it from me to judge other people's Holiday tradition, but this one just doesn't have that nice cozy feeling you get when you think "Thanksgiving with the folks."

A week and a half before ‘Black Friday‘ and campers are already lining up outside the Best Buy on Howe Road to get their hands on the best of the bargains. [snip] Both have friends and family who take turns staying there in shifts, including Tony’s parents.

“He had to go take a shower so we’re here filling in for him until he gets back,” said his mother Janet Regic, who cooks for her son, and actually waited in line last year in a wheelchair.

“I wanted to stop three or four years ago, and my kids make me do it because they like coming down. We usually have Thanksgiving dinner brought to the tent, so we’ll have a full spread in the tent, and it’s kind of my time with them,” said Avitar.

The campers said they already know what bargains they hope to get including tablets, laptops, and big screen television sets.

As the article notes, BestBuy has not yet announced what they will sell, or at what price.

VIDEO Texting and driving: dumb. Texting and BUS driving: an entirely different level of stupid.

PS If I said that women were over-represented in social media and this led to language that was more emotional and less precise, I would expect some excoriation. But that's what this author says - in defense of the proposition that women were over-represented in social media and this led to language that was more emotional and less precise. Orwell is even pressed into service, even though he demonstrated in "1984" how the elimination of words and linguistic precision results in the inability to conceive the ideas they describe. But I guess it's okay because Orwell. Yes, laungage changes, but it's unwise to mistake diminution for improvement.

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