This blog covers everything except sports and gardening, unless we find a really good link about using dead professional bowlers for mulch. The author is a StarTribune columnist, has been passing off fiction and hyperbole as insight since 1997, has run his own website since the Jurassic era of AOL, and was online when today’s college sophomores were a year away from being born. So get off his lawn.

Snow show

Posted by: James Lileks under Outstate Updated: May 2, 2013 - 12:35 PM

Admit it: when you woke this morning, you winced before you looked out the window. You expected the worst. You expected that bleeping winter bleeping wonderland. Shin-deep Santa-stuff. And . . . nothing. It’s a Christmas Miracle!

That’s how bizarre this spring is: we’re in a good mood with a jaunty lilt to our heart because we didn’t get half a foot of snow. Our sympathies to southeast MN, though: 15 inches. Cruel and unusual: that storm was unconstitutional.

 

SOUNDS LEGIT Aliens: they’re just messing with us.

Speaking for the first time ever about his experiences some 50 years ago with extra-terrestrials, retired Air Force Capt. David Schindele told how, in the 1960s, what he is convinced were aliens knocked “all missiles” at Minot Air Force Base in North Dakota “off-alert,” mking them “unlaunchable.”

“We had no doubt that the 10 nuclear-tipped missiles had been compromised, tampered with and put out of commission by the ‘object’ that had paid a visit” the night before, an emotional Schindele told the panel of former lawmakers.

The Reds had their own experience with UFOs, but it was quite different.

While aliens were allegedly shutting down nuclear weapons systems in the United States, in the Soviet Union, in 1982, they are suspected of initiating launch procedures for nuclear warheads, sending Soviet troops scrambling to undo the extraterrestrial move, witnesses told the former lawmakers.

So they shut us down and lit them up. Seems like they were playing favorites - or perhaps testing to see how these puny creatures would react. Such savages, playing with fire!

At least that’s how sci-fi from the 50s and 60s loved to describe us. Ants who were unaware of the power we had. “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” for example. Dude in a Reynolds Wrap suit shows up with a super-powerful robot and tell us not to be Violent in Space or they will destroy us. Because space is just so crowded, I guess.

 Frankly, I would think that aliens would be impressed, at least if they were anthropologists. Hey, Nr84Qx, when were we here last? Oh, 30 blorts ago, maybe 31. That’s what I thought. What did they have then, wind power? Now they have satellites in orbit. These guys are pretty good. Remember that species we visited last blort, and they were still using rocks?

 

YOU Today’s irritating headline that uses the YOU style, from Wired: Things You Shouldn’t Text When You’re Accused of Bombing Boston: ‘LOL’

Keep that in mind in case you’re ever accused of bombing Boston.

 

RULES ARE RULES The great thing about zero-tolerance policies? They reduce the need for anything like “thought” or “rational reaction” or “regrets over consequences.” Rules are rules. The MarySue says:

Kiera Wilmot is a sixteen-year-old student with good grades and a “perfect” behavior record. Or at least she was. She has been expelled from her Florida school after creating a small chemical reaction that caused no damage or harm, and additionally been arrested and charged with possession and discharge of a weapon on school grounds and discharging a destructive device. According to the Miami New Times, she will be tried as an adult.

More here. And then there’s this fellow:

A Johnston County high school student has been expelled for bringing a gun onto school property, but the school's student body is coming to his defense.

David "Cole" Withrow is a senior at Princeton High School. He was set to graduate in just a few weeks, until his arrest Monday for bringing a gun to school.

Cole, who is an Eagle Scout and an honors student, said he forgot to take his gun out of his truck after skeet shooting. When he got to school and realized the gun was in his car, he went into school to call his mom so he could leave and take the gun home.

The school found out and Cole was arrested and expelled.

This has people asking some silly questions:

Some in the community wonder how a senior with just days left of school can be expelled when two years ago, the school's assistant principal accidentally brought a loaded gun to school in her car and was only suspended for three days.

Like I said, silly questions.

 

VIDEO This has been seen by over a million people in the last week, but on the off chance you missed it: gas-pump thieves invent a new dance, the Clothesline.

 

 

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