This blog covers everything except sports and gardening, unless we find a really good link about using dead professional bowlers for mulch. The author is a StarTribune columnist, has been passing off fiction and hyperbole as insight since 1997, has run his own website since the Jurassic era of AOL, and was online when today’s college sophomores were a year away from being born. So get off his lawn.

Ho. Ho. Ho

Posted by: James Lileks under Minnesota History Updated: September 19, 2012 - 12:04 PM

This Strib story says the Jolly Green Giant is coming back to encourage kids to eat their vegetables. Given his immense size and unnatural hue, I think he’d be more effective if he intimidated them. Not saying he should threaten to stomp their houses flat if they don’t eat beans, but let’s just say it’s on the table. 

The story has a picture of the new ad campaign and OH MY WHAT IS THAT

 

It’s part of a long and honorable tradition of horrifying Giant ads. When I was growing up he was kept in the distance, scarf flying, saying “Ho ho ho,” and that was it. Previously, though, he was shown in close-up. This was always a mistake. Now and then he had a certain handsome charisma.

 

I worship you, O Beheamoth of Fertility! Other versions were just weird. I auto-baste my vegetable flesh with butter!

 

 

Before he was portrayed by real people, he was drawn. Looks like he got into the Baked Zuchinni:

 

 

Not bad. He was also shown at home in his corn-themed chair, enjoying a pipe:

 

But then someone decided that this was a happy, enticing message to send:

 

 

You can sense their terror, can't you?  

Nothing, however, matches the horror . . . of this.

 

 

Please no. Please go away.

He had a song, too. 

 

 

 

The classic "Ho Ho Ho," I believe, was voiced by Herschel Bernardi, an actor who also gave us Charlie the Tuna. There. use that in a trivia game some day: amaze your friends. 

 

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