Police in southwest Minneapolis -- hold on, I just lost 87 percent of the metro, right there. We may live in one giant urban wad, but we're parochial. If you live in Stillwater and you hear reports of 40-foot-tall Murder-Bots stomping around Minnetonka blowing boats out of the water with laser beams, you don't feel personally affected; the only thing you look for is the phrase "headed east." If it's not there, turn the page.

What's Garfield up to now? Oh, that lazy cat wants lasagna. Will he ever learn! So let me rephrase:

Minnesota Crime Authorities are warning folks about bike thefts, particularly in SW, where there's been -- all together, now -- a "rash" of missing bicycles. They have tips to prevent theft: Lock the Bike is No. 1, as you might expect. I would add: Lock the bike to a Rottweiler. Smear the bike with meat so he has extra motivation. This doesn't always work; just about everyone has had a bike swiped -- you go to where you left it, and there's just a wheel, as if there was the Rapture of the Schwinns and they all went up to Bike Heaven.

Sgt. Obvious also advises you to close your garage door. Duh, you say, but everyone forgets now and then. I left the door open once overnight, and the next morning we were bikeless. My fault, I know; should have tied the bikes to a live power line, but then you're awakened at 2 a.m. and have an argument with your spouse: Did you hear something? No, but I smell something.

How did they hit the house the one night I left the door open? Two possibilities:

1. There are hordes of parasitical miscreants walking around at night all the time, looking for open garages.

2. Bikes just can't stand us. Give them the opportunity, and they wander off to join the great herds of free-roaming bikes that dot the plains of uncharted Canada. When they pass human settlements, they put playing cards in their spokes because they think it makes them sound like cars, but ...

I'm going with No. 2. I like to think my bikes are out there still, enjoying life, instead of giving aid and comfort to some thief's groin. That's providing they made it past the Murder-Bots, of course.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks