James Lileks: Contemptible! Your next excuse better be a doozy

By JAMES LILEKS, Star Tribune

Last update: November 14, 2009 - 10:19 PM

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You've read the story: plumber facing jury duty said he wouldn't be a good juror because he'd be worried about missing work, and the judge gave him a day in the slammer for contempt of court.

A cold jolt of dread hit everyone when they read that. You can expect a judge to give you the old sure, pal, uh huh look when you try to get out of jury duty, but a day in the Stony Lonesome for being honest?

This is like getting a ticket just for telling the highway patrol you knew you were speeding. And I'm tacking on another twenty dollars for looking hangdog about it, too!

For heaven's sake, a man has the right to try. Everyone tries. The first time you're called up, you tell them this just isn't convenient right now; you have plans. I'm, uh, going in for brain surgery. I mean I am a brain surgeon. On a ship. That leaves tomorrow. And I have to be on a jury on that ship, too.

No good. You could tell them you wouldn't be a good juror because you're abducted by aliens every night, and man, it leaves you something sore. Sitting all day -- it's a hardship. The response: no cases involving aliens are on the docket, so you qualify. See you in the morning.

Will we have to come up with better excuses in the future? Perhaps. You could say "Judge, I'm simply too easily swayed by the last argument I heard." But then the judge would say "I think you should be on the jury," and you'd have to say "OK, you're right."

Try this: "I'd love to be on a jury, except -- whrgh! Arghmgm! Mrghghhm!" And then you clutch your chest and fall over.

Downside: You actually have to die. Worse, you can only use that excuse once.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • More daily at www.startribune. com/buzz

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