Pony up for airfare, or get ready to ride one

Pony up, or take one.

Made your holiday plane reservations yet? No, you say; the economy's so bad that everyone's just going to astral-project their bodies this year. But if you've been meaning to book a plane, bad news. There's a new "end-user cash extraction mechanism," also known as a surcharge: a ten-dollar fee applied on peak holiday travel days.

You have three people going somewhere for Thanksgiving? Sixty bucks more. What do you get for the extra money? Diddly. For another ten bucks, they'll throw in squat.

The reason for the fee is simple: they need the money and they can get it from you. Demand is higher during peak travel times, so up goes the price. That's simple economics.

What I can't figure out is why they just don't hide the price hike in the usual jacked-up fares. Bag fees. Gate fees. Airport fees. Tray-table maintenance surcharge. Reductio ad absurdum fees.

You might think "Gosh, what's next -- a fee for not using the bathroom before you board, so they don't waste fuel carting around the contents of your digestive tract?" Then you would sit back, smiling, 'cause you made a funny. You ought to use that on some call-in show. Or maybe an Internet comment board!

But you're right. Last week the news broke that Japanese airline All Nippon Airways is asking all passengers to void their bladders before boarding, in order to reduce fuel use and carbon emissions. Seriously. The airline believes this will reduce the weight of the plane by 67 kilograms, or nearly 150 pounds.

Will it help? Well, every little gesture counts, no matter how empty or miniscule, and if you can take 67 kg off the weight of a 747, that leaves the plane with only 440,933 kg of weight.

If this sort of insanity makes you sad, that's good. Will you cry a lot at the gate, and blot up the tears? Thanks! But leave behind the damp tissue. Also, if you're taking a book on the plane, please choose one whose characters are skinny and don't use big words. Thank you!

The gate attendants are welcome to make these suggestions, but the first time one of them passes out pails and tongue depressors and announces that we're going to purge to help fight climate change, I'm going back to trains.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/buzz

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