James Lileks: Now, let's see what laws you've been breaking

By JAMES LILEKS, Star Tribune

Last update: August 1, 2009 - 11:08 PM

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The government has released the annual list of new laws. Hurrah! Your first question: Am I now a criminal for spitting within 500 feet of a gun store, or something like that? Probably not. Your second question: Any provisions for busting the speed limit? Yes.

If you're passing someone on a two-lane road, now you can do 10 miles per hour over the limit. We've all sweated these moments. You're stuck behind a tractor, the road ahead is clear, you floor it and swing out -- just as a car appears in the distance. PANIC. You can stomp the brakes, fishtail into the ditch and explode, or speed up some more, save everyone's life -- but risk a ticket.

No more indecision now. The law was sponsored by outstate legislators, who know what it's like to spend half the day behind an old guy whose bumper sticker says DON'T BLAME ME I VOTED FOR WILKIE. No sir, he's not going 50. Not until they repeal rationing.

It's also against the law to aim a laser pointer, or point a laser aimer, at a plane. It makes the window opaque, which isn't a serious problem with today's computerized planes. Unless they're running Windows, in which case they have to circle until they download a service pack. Is this a big problem? Unless you're running ahead of the plane very fast, it would seem the effect is momentary. Even if you're driving. Step on it, the jet's getting away from us! I can't, unless I want to get a ticket passing this guy.

Otherwise, it's more of the same. You just wish they'd repeal a few. Surely, there are archaic laws cluttering the statutes; you know, like it is illegal to hire an Irishman to repair a calliope. Automobiles shall signal their approach to an intersection with a hired troupe shooting Roman candles, or other such nonsense. Every new law should mean one has to be removed, so the balance of things the law doesn't cover remains equal. Right? I mean, there ought to be a ...

Never mind.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 • www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks