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Janesville, Minn., contestant's bad fiction proves noteworthy

Russ Winter was a runner-up in a writing contest named for the writer whose novel opened with, "It was a dark and stormy night."

By PAUL WALSH, Star Tribune

Last update: August 15, 2008 - 11:19 PM

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	"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
	"The hardened detective glanced at his rookie partner and mused that who ever had coined the term 'white as a sheet' had never envisioned a bed accessorized with a set of Hazelnut, 500-count Egyptian cotton linens from Ralph Lauren complimented by matching shams and a duvet cover nor the dismembered body of its current occupant."
	"Mike Hummer had been a private detective so long he could remember Preparation A, his hair reminded everyone of a rat who'd bitten into an electrical cord, but he could still run faster than greased owl snot when he was on a bad guy's trail, and they said his friskings were a lot like getting a vasectomy at Sears."
	"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J."

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What does it take to be a really bad writer?

Globally acclaimed bad writer Russ Winter of southern Minnesota says he keeps up on current events and just goes "in a strange direction ... jotting down and taking a look at it. Then, the more you look at it, the worse it gets."

With that recipe, Winter won for himself a nod from a prominent contest that annually recognizes the worst in fiction writing.

Winter, 47, of Janesville, was runner-up last week in the detective division of San Jose State University's 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for writing an opening sentence to a nonexistent novel.

Winter, a health care professional who describes himself as a "self-taught writer, and it shows," wrote:

"The hardened detective glanced at his rookie partner and mused that who ever had coined the term 'white as a sheet' had never envisioned a bed accessorized with a set of Hazelnut, 500-count Egyptian cotton linens from Ralph Lauren complimented by matching shams and a duvet cover nor the dismembered body of its current occupant."

As for the worst writer he's ever read, Russ Winter said, "I don't have an answer off the top of my head, outside of myself."

Topping Russ Winter in the detective category this year was Robert B. Robeson, of Lincoln, Neb.,

The grand prize went to Garrison Spik, a 41-year-old communications director and writer. He wrote:

"Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.'"

The contest is named after Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" famously begins, "It was a dark and stormy night."

The grand prize winner receives $250, the others earn just the mere honor of accomplishment.

The Associated Press contributed to this report. Paul Walsh • 612-673-4482

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