Everyone else is giving you the Year in Review, which is easy. It takes skill and foresight to give you next year's Year in Review, today. Here is your look back at the year to come: 2013.
• Home prices surged, buoyed by easy money, lower gas prices, and a renewed interest in larger homes far from the core city. "Gosh, no, we haven't learned a thing," said one banker, turning to the couple signing a loan application. "You guys learned anything? Nah, I didn't think so."
• Pulltab revenue continued to decrease, leading officials to announce a new twist: all pulltabs would be winners, although the winnings would be taxed at 110 percent. After the novelty wore off, sales continued to decline.
• The first test of the University Avenue light-rail system was marred slightly when the engine jumped the tracks and went through the last remaining business between the two downtowns.
• The Minnesota Orchestra strike dragged on, and management announced it would rebrand the entire season as "Scabs with Kazoos."
• Work was temporarily halted on the new stadium when crews discovered an old burial ground; apparently this was where 30 years of Vikings Super Bowl hopes had been interred.
In related news, the Star Tribune temporarily ceased publication when a wrecking crew demolished the building, much to everyone's surprise; the sports and business departments were heard to shout, "I thought you had this." "No, we thought you had this." A photograph of an enormous wrecking ball plowing through the lobby won the Pulitzer Prize for best spot-news picture, the first time the award has been given to a still frame from a security camera.
• The city released a smartphone app that warns you when your parking meter is about to expire, and lets you refill it remotely with a credit card. "No one need ever get a parking ticket again," said a city official, brushing off questions about lost revenue from fines. Sales of the app, available in the iTunes store for $499.99, were slow.
• A significant rise in wildlife sightings in Block E; by fall, the third floor was almost entirely given over to bears.
• Citing concerns about increased congestion, Calhoun residents blocked the construction of a three-block-wide, 82-story apartment complex, settling for a scaled-back version that rose only 30 stories. "That went better than I expected," the developer later said. "I'd actually only planned for 20, but hey, I'll take it."
• Best Buy bought RadioShack, and said the new "BestShack" chain would focus on selling 8-track tapes and novelty plaques with fish that sing when you walk past. "We're improving our website as well," said the new CEO, "so now it just redirects to Amazon. To hell with you all."
The citizens of our fair metropolis ate, laughed, splashed in the lakes, sent their kids to school, celebrated milestones, and enjoyed another year in this sane and civil land. Happy New Year!
2014, I mean, but sure, 2013 as well.
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