Lileks: The sister of all twisted lawsuits

  • Article by: JAMES LILEKS , Star Tribune
  • Updated: October 27, 2012 - 4:25 PM

Whether you rock around the clock or the Christmas tree, you know it is a thing that requires a certain amount of intent and preparation.

In my concert-going days it was standard procedure for the band to ask the audience if it was "ready to rock," whereupon the audience shouted its affirmation.

This presumes rocking was about to follow -- but that wasn't always the case. Twisted Sister's hit song "I Wanna Rock" described a condition familiar to many young people: The desire and ability to rock is present in abundance, but the opportunity for rocking has not yet presented itself.

Rocking, however, does not go well with a productive adulthood, and is often replaced by other things. Like cooking. Or suing.

Which brings us to this: Twisted Sister, an '80s heavy-metal band best known for "We're Not Going to Take It," has sued Twisted Sister, a 2012 Minneapolis food truck, for trademark infringement. They believe the name will sow "confusion."

Yes, that'll happen. Someone comes up to the food cart and says HAVING SEEN THE NAME ON THE SIDE OF YOUR TRUCK, I WANNA ROCK! The response: "Sorry, we dispense edible substances, not ecstatic interludes of Dionysian release. Try the roasted peppers." The customer reels back, disoriented: If the words "Twisted Sister" do not correspond to a cabal of geezers with guitars, but instead refer to a vehicle that serves food through a hole in the side, then man, nothing is certain anymore. The truck will have to be renamed, or the cooks will be lawyered off the planet. Suggestions:

Contorted Female Sibling.

Assisted Twister -- no, sounds too much like that Milton-Bradley game in a senior residence.

Blistered Spinster.

I Wanna Brat.

If they're smart, they'll realize that the publicity has generated great attention. Cut some ads using Twisted Sister's "We're Not Going to Take It."

We are only take out / YEAH! we're only take out / We are only take out / out of dooooors."

Then name the truck Apple iPod Windex Old Navy, and let the lawsuits lift you ever higher.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858

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