Lileks: DQ's cool treats take N.Y.

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Lileks: DQ's cool treats take N.Y.

Article by: JAMES LILEKS , Star Tribune
Updated: June 23, 2012 - 4:21 PM

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Dairy Queen is expanding into New York. That's brave. Their mayor is famous for his anti-sugar crusades, and Dairy Queen is so devoted to sugar you're surprised the stores don't melt when it rains.

It's good sugar, too. Whenever I'm at Dairy Queen I'm tempted to say, "Hose out some of that white sweet goop into a cup, and put the golden, thicker sweet goop on top of it." They'd know what you mean. You might get asked, "Caramel or butterscotch?" which is something of a trick question. There's a difference? Well, pretty sure butterscotch contains caramel, and it doesn't work vice versa. So butterscotch, sure.

Maybe you want a Blizzard, because you would feel guilty putting half a container of ice cream and 16 Oreos into a blender at home, but here it's a treat. Maybe you want a hamburger, if the DQ is a BRAZIER. When the "Brazier" was introduced it caused mass blushing in North Dakota, and I guarantee no one ever said, "Let's go to the bra-zeer for a couple of cups." They're phasing out the Brazier name, just as they phased out "Mr. Misty," which introduced you to the sensation of a cold chisel driven into your eye socket. The name was later changed to "Misty Slush," which sounded like an alcoholic pole dancer, and now it's Arctic Rush. It's still pain in a bucket. And delicious.

And sugary. How will New York regulate it? Well, Mr. Mistys are self-regulating; no one finishes one, due to the persistent stabbing aneurysm. Most people don't finish a large Blizzard, because if you're not sick of it you're sick from it, plus sick of yourself: pig! So you leave the last 6 ounces, which magically negates half the calories you just consumed. They could require the sugar cone to be made from the same substance as communion wafers. Or pass a law that limits the time the lever can be depressed on the extrusion machine: No more than three seconds.

Then New Yorkers would come here, see the DQ sign, and nervously ask the local: Is it true you guys do six-second cones around here? Sure, pal. All you got to do is ask for a large and tell 'em "lean on it." After all, the corporate HQ is here. We get the best DQ. And they'll never outsource the HQ to Mexico, either. Everything would melt.

jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858