Monday is Presidents' Day, when all the birthdays of our forefathers are rolled into one big civic wad. It is the most underwhelming holiday of the year. No carols ("Oh to go back to the glory days /when we all were led by R.B. Hayes!"). No greeting cards, which seems like an oversight. (Calvin Coolidge cards: no message inside.) No stores advise you to stock up on bunting, and there aren't any beloved TV shows like "It's Another Day Off School, Charlie Brown" or "A Presidents' Day Carol," where someone who doesn't care about history is visited by three presidents, and he comes to realize the true meaning of the executive branch.
Total yawn, this one.
It was different when George and Abe had their own special days, and then we got bad ads for car dealerships and mattress retailers: I cannot tell a lie, these are low prices! Because we all knew George never told a lie, right? Right.
Those were the rudiments of the civic myths, but at least we all knew them, and the big-deal presidents got a day out of respect for their tremendous achievements. Now? Everyone's lumped together. It would be different if we cared deeply about all 44; you'd almost be pleased to learn that the Grover Cleveland Crips had a rumble with the East Side Truman 33s over who dealt better with railroad strikes. At least someone's passionate about these things.
Anyway, the obligatory list of what's open and what's closed:
In honor of George Washington, who started the post office, there will be no mail delivery.
The Presidential Museum: closed.
The King Tut exhibit: open, so you can go see the jar that once held his internal organs. (The jar that held his external organs has never been located.) Be aware there is a nominal charge and also a deadly curse, since all who defile his tomb will be consumed by the locust-horde of Anubis! Recommended ages 3+.
Malls: open, so you can briefly think about presidents as you hand over their pictures in exchange for consumer goods. Like that Benjamin Franklin dude. He was the third, right? After Grant?
Poll: Do you agree with baseball's plan to ban collisions at home plate?