Goldy Gopher is stumbling these days in his role as the University of Minnesota's mascot. Seems like every time he trots out onto the field, our football team is thrown for another loss.

Is the U scoring big in anything that counts anymore?

And how. In the U's darkest hour, a new mascot has stepped forward to lead our flagship university to a national championship. I'm talking about SHADEy, the university's giant walking condom, whose exploits were a major factor in last week's announcement by the maker of Trojan condoms that the U ranks No. 1 in the nation for its students' "sexual health."

The Maroon and Gold beat out 138 other schools to grab the top spot on Trojan's Sexual Health Report Card. We rolled over Big Ten rivals like Michigan and Big 12 schools like Nebraska, and romped past Ivy League contenders like Harvard and Yale. Rankings were based on 11 criteria, ranging from the availability of contraception to the availability of "anonymous advice" on sexual questions.

The folks who compiled the sex health rankings know sports rankings are for lightweights. "While Ohio State and the University of Florida may have recently triumphed in sports," announced a news release, "their sexual health programs have room to improve, as OSU and UF ranked 26th and 43rd, respectively."

So forget about Saturday's gridiron showdown, Purdue. In the contact sport that really counts, you're ranked only No. 5.

The U, in fact, was a "surprise standout" on the sexual health survey, having vaulted to the top from 54th in last year's ratings. We may owe our victory to our powerhouse standing in condom distribution. Last year, the U handed out a whopping 100,000 free condoms, according to Dave Dorman of Boynton Health Service, who says student services fees covered the cost.

SHADEy was a key player in this impressive achievement. He's got a schedule of campus appearances that would put many a politician to shame. The giant condom is always a center of attention at events like the U's student activities fair and Homecoming. He's surrounded by members of SHADE (Sexual Health Awareness and Disease Education) -- a student group that works with the U's Boynton Health Service to promote "healthy sexuality and the normalization of condom use" on campus.

This year, for example, SHADEy kicked things off outside a concert, where his followers passed out free condoms to startled students with something like the glee of Shriners showering candy on a crowd at a parade.

The look on some freshmen's faces was priceless, SHADE co-chair Emily Matson told the Star Tribune. "They're definitely shocked, a lot of them. Their parents probably weren't expecting that when they sent their kids to school."

More than just condoms

Behind every star, of course, are ordinary folks doing the leg work. SHADE members make informational presentations to residence halls, fraternities and sororities, and "any student group that requests our services." And SHADEy's little helpers pass out more than free condoms. They claim to have available for your freshman daughter ample supplies of free lubricants and dental dams. (Please, if you don't know about dental dams, go ask a friend.)

Every year, SHADEy's biggest gig is the U's Safer Sex Week, which is always scheduled around Valentine's Day, according to Matson. SHADEy sure knows how to have fun. Last year's flier announced the giant condom's "15th birthday" with a giddy headline: "Let's Par-tay!" It featured a picture of the smiling, sneaker-wearing condom, ringed by congratulations from students: "Best wishes SHADEy, I'd squeeze your reservoir tip anytime! [signed] Bob" and "Happy 15th Birthday, SHADEy! You've always been a straight-up guy [signed] Jessica."

At Safer Sex Week, SHADEy's traveling show was booked at "Shade Night at Gophers after Dark," the "Safer Sex Carnival" (I have no information on the nature of the games or rides at this carnival ... water balloons anyone?), the Sexual Health Fair and "Bowling for Condoms."

Yes, Minnesotans are swelling with pride. Now that the U has taken the title for safer sex, we can quit losing sleep over football polls and U.S. News and World Report academic rankings. Who needs them when you're No. 1 for something with the word sex in it?

Katherine Kersten kkersten@startribune.com Join the conversation at my blog, Think Again, which can be found at www.startribune.com/thinkagain.