OK, OK, I got my flu shot. Stop nagging. As I learned, you can't just walk in and get poked. There are forms. Have you experienced an adverse reaction to the flu vaccine previously? Yes, I developed a sudden taste for the "Real Housewives" series. Ran through them all on Netflix. Felt dirty. Do you currently have a fever, rash, or the sensation of a million spiders running beneath your skin? Yeah, but in college we called that "Saturday morning." No, I'm fine. And so on. They were processing my insurance when the doctor said he'd take me while the card went through, so I didn't have to sit in the waiting room "and think about it."
What am I, 6? Sitting in a room with liquefying britches over the prospect of a SHOT? That's ridiculous. And you do give balloons if I'm brave, right? Do you have ones with pictures of Iron Man? But of course now I'm thinking I should be thinking about the shot, so I start thinking about it. Sure enough: OWWW.
This could just be the power of suggestion. Could also be the sensation of sharp metal sliding into muscle tissue. But I remember last year's shot almost felt good, like they were using the special needles reserved for popes and presidents. This year the shot felt like cold syrup for metal pancakes. Turns out that each year is different, as the doc said. It's a matter of perception, but some people say one year's feels colder, another year's feels more brackish, and of course people still talk about the Vaccine of '03, which had wonderful bouquet; top notes of nutmeg, egg, and citrus, and a strong finish of oven mitt and fresh luggage. Perhaps there's a secret underground of vaccine enthusiasts who get together like wine lovers. The sommelier lets them sniff the hypo plunger.
By "owww" I mean: oh, a minor pang that's over as soon as it's perceived. Don't let it stop you. One of these years everyone will get shots, and flu will find no purchase on our shores at all. What would you use for an excuse to call in sick then? I suggest "dengue fever." It's bad, but rarely fatal. No cure. Good for a week, at least. When no one gets the flu anymore, the stores will probably offer shots to give you dengue. As long as you say NO when the form asks, "Are you currently moaning, shuffling, staring vacantly, and occasionally gripped by crazed mad rage?" Because they don't want to waste it on zombies. Or despondent Vikings fans.
jlileks@startribune.com • 612-673-7858 More daily at www.startribune.com/blogs/lileks
