Great Father’s Day ideas:

Help Dad burn the tie he got three years ago, the one with the Transformers. He wore it once to the office, because that’s what Dads do. Douse it with lighter fluid, and whoomph! Next year, just give him a box of ashes and say it used to be a tie. He’ll love it.

Don’t get the #1 Father mug. While you may believe this is the case, it cannot be empirically proven, and the fact that the store has dozens should tell you that the honor is passed out so loosely it makes a best picture Oscar look like a “Participant” award for third-grade soccer.

You could modify it: #1 Father Drawn from a Statistically Insignificant Pool of Peers’ Dads, Based on Observation, but that really doesn’t have the same kick.

Dad will be happy with any old card, as long as it is full of genuine sentiment. A folded Post-it note with a hand-drawn heart and I LOV YUO DADY with a penny taped inside might just be the sweetest thing he’s ever seen, unless it’s from a 37-year-old corporate lawyer and Dad saw you do it in the kitchen because you obviously forgot.

You might note that there are no “Happy Belated Father’s Day” cards as there are with birthdays. Why? Because if you don’t send one you are a horrible person and no one should help you out. I have been that person, which guarantees some sort of “Cat’s in the Cradle” comeuppance down the road.

Nevertheless, I did, and do, have the #1 Father, as evidenced by the fact that he’ll get up today and drive out to the store to pick up the newspaper to see what I wrote. So if you’re in Fargo and you see a silver-haired 80-something on a Harley heading to the store, give him a thumbs up. And the same to every other man who’s been blessed with fatherhood. By “blessed,” of course, I mean cursed with staring at the phone because your kid was supposed to text when she got to the lake, and didn’t, which means kidnappers or a car accident or possibly both, but that wouldn’t be so bad if she was thrown clear and ran away, unless the car rolled and she’s trapped IN A LAKE — but aah, there’s the text. And you feel blessed all over again.

By “blessed,” of course, I mean “wanting to bless the kid out.” But #1 Dads don’t. Much.