There’s a ceremony for the Lesser Oscars, and you rarely hear about these unsung winners because they’re not good-looking enough. But they deserve some respect, so here are some of the winners who didn’t get to stand in front of a billion people Sunday night clutching a naked, bald, gold idol:
Category: Best Editing for a Trailer That Gave Away Everything.
Winner: “The Mysterious Mr. Enigma’s Secret,” which ended with Ben Affleck saying, “Yes. I am Mr. Enigma.” The announcement was accompanied by a big BOOM like John Goodman kicking a timpani, then silence and then the title appearing with the date of the release.
Category: The Guy Who’s Supposed to Make Sure the Wine Glass Is in the Same Place Throughout the Scene But Screwed It Up Big Time.
Winner: Hildar Sjvart for “The Postman Hesitated,” a Finnish movie about an emotionally unfulfilled woman who embarks on an affair because she thinks she’s in a French movie. The glass moved around several times in a pivotal scene in which she stared out the window at the rain and smoked several cigarettes; its restlessness reflected the emotional turbulence beneath her surface.
In his acceptance speech, Sjvart gave some insight into his craft: “Usually I glue it down, but this time I forgot. I’ve been having problems at home. My wife, she ... ”
Boring; next award please.
Category: A Documentary About the Making of a Trailer for a Documentary.
Winner: Bettina Fine-Sohgrub for “This Content Has Been Removed From YouTube Due to a Copyright Claim.”
In her acceptance speech, she said, “I have no idea what I won for, and I get a headache just thinking about the category. But I would like to thank my family for believing in me, even when it was apparent to any disinterested observer that I lacked the talent, connections and resources to succeed. Really, I just reposted this video on my own account, but whatevs.”
Category: Best Short Film the Academy Voters Watched on their iPhones Because They Were Stuck in Traffic.
Winner: “The Scottish Play” directed by A. Bee. The movie consists of an actor shouting “Macbeth!” once in an empty theater. The film ends before he says the whole word.
A review in the Los Angeles Times lauded the project: “We know that actors are a superstitious lot, given to knocking on wood or breaking their own legs before a show and smearing the juice of a four-leaf clover over the wound; we know they are forbidden to say the name of Shakespeare’s play, lest it bring bad luck.
“So the shouting of the word ‘Macbeth’ (Hart Brickpecs, in a remarkable performance) is both a taunt and an assertion of rationality in a world that seems to have gone mad.”
The movie did not do well on YouTube, possibly because there were 14 production companies involved, including Nine Doctors in Search of a Tax Write-Off Enterprises. Each company had its own special computer-generated logo sequence, and most people who started watching the movie quit after the sixth one and clicked on the YouTube video about a dog going down a water slide.
Category: Best Picture With an Animal That PETA Didn’t Bother to Get Bent Out of Shape About for Once, Seriously, Those People, If You Knew the Calls We Still Get About “Independence Day,” and I Tell Them It Was All in the Computer! You Think There Was a Real Alien Ship Shooting at That Dog? C’mon. Seriously?
Winner: “Dog Going Down a Water Slide.”