Withering Glance: At the tone, please don’t leave a message

Has voicemail gone the way of the dodo, or the personal check? It ought to.

By Rick Nelson and Claude Peck, Star Tribune

Last update: November 5, 2009 - 12:20 PM

Print this story

More from Style + People

CP: What’s your beef this week, Monsieur Malcontent?

RN: If there’s a god in heaven, let’s pray that she pulls the plug on voice mail.

CP: What? You don’t like it when you get a greeting that says, “You have 12 unheard messages”?

RN: Stop it, you’re killing me. Along with my expanding waistline and the amount of cash I throw away on junk, that little green You-Have-A-Message light on my phone is one of the things I’m learning to ignore. People, can’t you just send an e-mail?

CP: I’m not clear what exactly pains you about voice mail. Isn’t it a convenience for a busy guy such as yourself, who also is a person who rarely picks up? You know what Margaret Cho’s mom says: “You no pick up, you gay.”

RN: In our instant messaging world, maybe it’s that voice mail travels at a snail’s pace. Or maybe it’s just a pathetic attempt on my part to emulate the young. Believe me, no one under 25 relies upon voice mail. Theirs is a text-only world.

CP: Another thing: How do I remove from my own voice-mail mechanism that woman who goes on for 15 precious seconds about leaving a numeric page and says, “when you are through, you may push 1, or just hang up.” Have you ever pushed 1? And who is this woman, anyway? RN: I don’t know, but can you imagine her residuals? Ka-ching.

CP: So voice mail, is it deader than the podcast? RN: More like seated in the departure lounge, next to “As the World Turns,” Blockbuster Video and personal checks.

CP: Note to all you owners of $300 iPhones: Nxt time, pls jst txt. Yr. voice mails sound like the announcements of a Chicago Transit Authority driver with Tourette’s.

RN: Perhaps the demise of voice mail is a nefarious Apple-driven plot. You know, like when General Motors schemed to rid American cities of their streetcars and force consumers to buy Buicks and Chevrolets.

Recent Style + People stories

Look past surface for beauty products - November 5, 2009

Look past surface for beauty products - Many ingredients used in cosmetics are linked to serious health concerns. If you don't want to wait for the jury to finish debating the risk, here's how to find safe alternatives. More

People: Tales and lowlights from the D list - November 5, 2009

People: Tales and lowlights from the D list - Celebrities say (and do) the darnedest things. A few lowlights from the famous-people ticker: More