Q: Last year I bought a cellphone for my son so we could stay in touch. He got into a little trouble — bad grades or something — and his mother took away his phone without consulting me. First, I pay for this phone, so I do not believe she has the right to take it away. Second, I can't talk to him! His mother says he will not be able to use the phone for another month. I live five hours away and only see him once a month. This can't be good ex-etiquette.

A: I see red flags on both your parts, and to answer I'm going to assume a few things based on years of experience dealing with divorced or separated parents.

The "or something" in your question implies either you do not know exactly why your son was grounded or you think the reason was no big deal and taking the phone away was overkill. That infuriates noncustodial parents, but it also implies you aren't talking to mom, and purchasing the phone might have been a way to bypass having to deal with her.

If that was the case, that's just as bad ex-etiquette as her grounding your child from the phone you purchased without consulting you. From the beginning it should have been agreed, whether you purchased the phone or not, your child should not be grounded from contacting a parent — everyone else, never a parent.

When a child reaches middle school and starts to have lots of extracurricular activities, a phone is often a necessary evil for working parents — and a way to touch base if you are a noncustodial parent.

But, the truth remains, the phone purchase should be done with the agreement of both parents and should serve as a tool, not as a way for the parents to undermine each other. You're doing a child a disservice if you are not communicating with their other parent — and I don't care if you hate each other. If the child is going back and forth between homes on any level, even once a month, you have to communicate in his or her best interest. If you're not, that's bad ex-etiquette on both your parts.

For the record, I caution parents from grounding their children from their phones because then they will not be able to contact them if they are out and about.

For example, the child is grounded but still participating in after-school sports. Practice runs late or gets out early and he or she can't call you. This is why I suggest parents designate a "phone place" when the child is grounded. When the child comes home, that's where the phone goes and they can't use it.

You'll figure out a rule that works for your child, but it begins with mom and dad communicating. If you don't, you'll be paying for your child's counseling as well as his phone bill.

Jann Blackstone is the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com. E-mail her at drjannblackstone@gmail.com.