Ask Amy: Man should leave abusive marriage now

Dear Amy: I am 75 years old and very sad. I have been married for 39 years. It has been very rocky.

My wife is very likely bipolar and has serious anxiety and anger issues. She refuses to get medical help. I have had to call the police twice.

She has been verbally abusive and has hit me. I have tried to love her, but she is just impossible.

We have a 1-year-old grandson, and during his visit with us she screamed at me, totally out of control. She flies off the handle if I do anything without her permission.

We are each very comfortable financially, but in 39 years I have borne all household expenses, and she has saved every penny of her substantial income. She tracks my money.

I often tell myself that I am the biggest fool. Some of my closest friends have told me to get out. I suppose you will tell me the same, but I find it very difficult after 39 years. How should I proceed? Every time I seriously show her I am about to leave, she starts telling me she loves me and cannot do without me.

My daughters have given up on me and do not want to hear my problems anymore. They say I should just up and leave.

Amy says: You are being verbally and physically abused. Your wife is controlling your movements and policing your money. Every time you seem ready to leave, she manipulates you into staying. Your friends and your daughters have urged you to get out.

Please seek professional help immediately. Your marriage has already stolen your sense of well-being; this relationship is bad for your mental, emotional and physical health. It is also bad for your baby grandson to witness his grandmother screaming at you. Protect him by separating.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) at 1-800-799-7233. A phone counselor can help guide you through the process of safely leaving this relationship. A concerned friend and/or your daughters can also help. The way to get help is to ask for it: “I want to leave. Please help me do this.”

Texting trouble

Dear Amy: I’ve been dating a woman for two years. Within the first three months, I caught her texting an ex-boyfriend in a very flirtatious way. She promised to stop.

We decided to move in together. When I expressed my reservations about her past indiscretion, she assured me I had nothing to worry about. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Months into living together, I discovered that e-mails and texts had continued. At this point, she said she couldn’t promise anything and that their relationship was strictly platonic.

Again, I let it slide, as we were locked in to a lease.

She never resolved anything and refused to acknowledge the pain it caused me. Her way of dealing was to get defensive and leave the room.

My weakness and stupidity allowed me to sweep the whole incident under the rug. I’ve since discovered that the correspondence continues, and whenever she does anything without me, she seems to visit the area of town where this man lives.

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