Dear Amy: I have been living with my boyfriend for approximately four years; we are both in our 50s.
I don’t understand why he hasn’t asked me to marry him. We’ve talked about this several times (with me bringing up this subject). I end up getting upset because he gives no specific reason for not wanting to get married. We love each other very much and are really meant for each other, but he’s just not interested in getting married. Both of us are divorced, and marriage just doesn’t seem to be in the near future (or possibly at all) for us.
He treats me well, but I sometimes feel used and underappreciated and feel I’m not good enough to be married to him. I feel insecure not being married; there is no commitment to anything. What should I do: be happily unmarried or look for another Mr. Right who is willing to commit (in time) to getting married?
Amy says: If you could somehow force yourself to be “happily unmarried,” then that would be the best choice for you, but you will not be able to pull this off because it is not what you want in life. And what you want is every bit as important as what he wants (or doesn’t want).
Your guy will never ask you to marry him. You may be able to manipulate or otherwise force him into a matrimonial union, but this marriage will not deliver the commitment you crave because he does not want it. When one party is reluctant or feels manipulated by an ultimatum, this tension comes up later when times get tough, and times always get tough.
You crave this particular connection and commitment, and if you absolutely must have it in your life, you need to be brave enough to leave your current relationship and seek it elsewhere. There is no guarantee of marriage with anyone in your future, but you might be happier on your own.
Kilt a skirt substitute?
Dear Amy: The letter from a woman who described herself as “understanding” amused me. This mom was worried that her son would insist on wearing his skirt to a social occasion to which the family had been invited.
The answer here is simple: She should get him a kilt. Kilts are acceptable, even at formal occasions.
Amy says: A kilt is definitely a socially acceptable alternative to a skirt, but that is beside the point. This mom should not be stressing about her adult son’s dressing.