Rifts in a father-son relationship can be hard to heal, in part because talking often is the last resort.
From the time Steve Anderson was 12, his relationship with his father had no warmth, just a slow burn.
William Cope Moyers spent decades with his famous father’s stature as a “self-imposed burden” on the road to addiction.
As the adopted black son of a white father, David Martin grew up “somewhat an outsider even in my own home.”
These three Twin Cities sons have traveled different paths with their fathers, but each found reconciliation where there once was alienation.
Fathers and their male offspring have found themselves at odds since Abraham offered up Isaac for sacrifice. Divorce, disaffection and drugs can be a cause of such disputes. But almost any difference can be exacerbated by a common father-son dynamic: letting things go unsaid.
“In the past, Mom was the one they went to for emotional issues.” said Mindy Mitnick, an Edina psychologist. “Moms often are about the feelings in the family, and dads are about the work in the family.”
While times have changed, men who came of age in the mid-part of the 20th century have a well-deserved reputation for holding back emotionally. As Mitnick points out, “boys learn a lot about how to be a man in the world from their fathers.”
So a cycle of estrangement often continues.
“I didn’t know how my dad felt about things,” said Minnetonka therapist John Reardon. “I knew when he was [angry], but underneath I didn’t know what was going on. And so you say, ‘I’m never gonna be like him,’ and then you get down the road and [realize] I sound just like my dad.”
But that cycle can be broken.
‘I need you to own up’
Anderson and his father, Bill, are now close, having gone from seeing each other once or twice a year to planning a weeklong trip to Yellowstone this summer. But growing up, “he wasn’t around much” physically or emotionally, said Steve Anderson, 42. “As soon as I left home, I thought, ‘problem solved.’ ”
Still, for years, Steve Anderson would broach the breach between them, to no avail. “When I tried to bring up how I felt,” he said, “my dad would get defensive and talk about how his dad died when he was 5. And while that’s true, who cares? I need you to own up to what happened with us.”
This is a common scenario, said William Doherty, a University of Minnesota psychology professor.
“In general, father-son relationships are the least ‘talky’ family relationship, which can make them less volatile … but can also make them go through long estrangements when things have gone sour, because they can tolerate the distance and don’t necessarily have the skills in talking through the estrangement and reconciling.”
The two men worked their way out of the schism. Steve gained great insight during a weekend with the Mankind Project, a support group fostering healthy men and families. “I was in the role-play [exercise], letting out how mad I was,” he said. “It was very therapeutic to tap into that because we were always an ‘everybody’s fine here’ family. That made it easier to talk to him directly.”
At about same time, his father came to a realization: “I had always been defensive,” said Bill, of Moline, Ill. “I was involved with a 12-step group, and part of that is making amends to people we have harmed. That also helped me learn to express myself.”
A short while later, the two men were together in the Wisconsin Dells, “and for the first time in my life,” Bill said, “I told him, ‘I’m really, really sorry for the way I acted.’ I think some tears were shed.”