relationships

Dear Amy: I have lived alone in my house for the past 15 years.

A friend of 10 years recently got divorced and needed a place to live, and since I have a three-bedroom house she asked if I wanted a roommate for about a year.

I agreed to let her move in and charged her minimal rent.

I’m a smoker, which she knew and said wouldn’t be a problem.

The very first night when we were watching TV, I lit a cigarette, and she informed me that she was having a problem with my smoking, so I went into another room.

She said she didn’t want to put restrictions on me in my own home, and I agreed that we may have a problem.

I have an evaporative cooler that circulates fresh air and keeps the room free of smoke; I don’t smoke in her presence, and I either go into my office or sit outside on the porch. How much am I supposed to restrict myself?

We get along well, and I don’t want to damage the friendship. On the other hand, I want to be able to live the way I want to.

I’m considering suggesting that she get a cable hookup in her bedroom. Is that too much to ask? 

Amy says: It’s your home. If you want to smoke in your own home, it’s your right. But because your friend is paying rent, she is a tenant and she has rights, too.

You should check with a lawyer to see if you have any liability if your friend develops medical problems related to your smoking.

You seem to have taken steps to try to minimize the effect of your smoking on her, but you (and she) should know that cigarette smoke is toxic, even when you’re not blowing it toward someone.

You two need to communicate clearly what you are prepared to do regarding your smoking. She may have thought this would be tolerable before she moved in, but now that she is having a problem with it, she should be given a realistic and truthful answer: That you don’t intend to alter your habits all that much.

She may need to move.

 

Billing a guest

Dear Amy: A male cousin on my mother’s side is getting married in a few months.

My mother (his aunt), whom he has seen once every three to four years, received a call from a friend of the future bride’s mother requesting that she send “a check for $125 to contribute to covering the cost of the band for the reception.”

My mother sent the check, but I think she should cancel it before it is cashed.

If the hosts of the party cannot afford a band, they should not expect their guests (who are traveling across the country to celebrate their day) to foot the bill!

Am I overreacting? Have you heard of this before? This doesn’t seem polite.

Amy says:  I always urge couples to finance their own weddings, but charging guests upfront is not quite what I had in mind. Essentially, this couple are trying to sell tickets to their own blessed event.

Doing this gives guests a real stake in the band’s performance, however. If they don’t play their Earth Wind and Fire covers with sufficient vigor, could your mother demand a refund?

So, no, I have never heard of this before.

Send questions via e-mail to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com.