Carolyn Hax: Little sister is left out

By CAROLYN HAX

Last update: November 12, 2009 - 6:23 PM

Dear Carolyn: As a mom of three girls, is it in my job description to try to ensure my daughters are close? My two oldest (10 and 8) are inseparable, which is great, but they have never had much interest in their 5-year-old sister. They have started asking whether I will take just the two of them on special outings. I don't know whether it's jealousy or they consider themselves too mature for her or what, but I have nightmares of raising two daughters who are best friends and one who feels like an outcast.

OLYMPIA

Carolyn says: Yes, the tweens are too mature -- but it sounds a lot better as, "Developmentally, they're in different worlds." Another bit of rephrasing: "It's in your job description to be fair to all your children."

Accommodating these two realities -- phases and fairness -- will demand some creative scheduling. (Because having three kids doesn't demand that already.) Just as it's not fair for your 5-year-old to be excluded, it's also not fair to the older girls to populate their free time with someone who can't keep up, or who tries to and gets on their nerves.

And the most direct way to satisfy these two conflicting needs is to make time for each of them. So, yes, give your older girls their "special outings." Not only will it make them happy, but it will also occasionally relieve your 5-year-old of the burden of being a burden. She may not know that her sisters see her as one now, but she'll soon figure it out.

In return, on a realistically regular basis, give the little one time with a single older sib, one-on-one. Separate the inseparables.

And, this is important: Don't mistake these for forced baby-sitting gigs, don't choose activities that bore or annoy the older, and don't bribe your way out of these first two "don'ts." Make the activity itself a plum, and make it one both can enjoy.

Fairness might not require such active intervention for long -- kids grow, dynamics shift -- but you're on duty, always, both to praise your kids when there's support among siblings and to deny them traction when they carp.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Recent Family + Relationships stories

A double helix made in heaven? Matchmaking companies tout benefits of gene tests - November 12, 2009

A double helix made in heaven? Matchmaking companies tout benefits of gene tests - Looking for love? Try leaning in for a ... cheek swab. More

Woman told a tall tale about his height - November 12, 2009

Woman told a tall tale about his height - Dear Carolyn: I recently started dating somebody new who is considerably taller than I (I'm a guy). It's not news to me that I'm short, and even before we met I'd advised her that it wasn't an issue for me if she was taller, and I hoped it wasn't an issue for her. More