Woman told a tall tale about his height

By CAROLYN HAX

Last update: November 10, 2009 - 11:59 AM

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Dear Carolyn: I recently started dating somebody new who is considerably taller than I (I'm a guy). It's not news to me that I'm short, and even before we met I'd advised her that it wasn't an issue for me if she was taller, and I hoped it wasn't an issue for her.

Flash-forward 10 dates. We talk, we text, we get along, things, I thought, were going along great until yesterday she says: "I'd really like it if you'd start wearing heels or lifts in your shoes, because the height difference makes me very self-conscious when we're out in public."

Now, I get that everybody's entitled to their preferences, OK, but it really hurt, and to me this would be like my saying to her: "Gee, I like you and all, but you're really flat-chested, so when we go out in public could you wear falsies so everybody else will think you're stacked?" I really like this woman, but if she doesn't really like the real me, how much of a future could we have?

SEATTLE

Carolyn says: That's one way to look at it. Another is, if she could really ask that of anyone with a straight face, how much of a future would you want? Shallow and presumptuous is some kind of one-two punch.

What you do next depends on whether you find her request offensive, or just stupid. If it's the former (or both), you and she are probably done. If it's the latter, then the best response is, "WTF?" (W=what, T=the, F=fox).

Unfortunately, the moment for that kind of on-the-spot incredulity has passed, and to raise the issue now you'd need to speak in full sentences. Your "it would be like my saying to her" example would get your point across nicely.

By posing it to her that way, you give her a chance to deplore her stupidity and embrace your short self -- on the theory that everyone draws a stupid conclusion occasionally, and we'd probably all appreciate a chance to rethink them. If she flunks, then at least you'll both know why you no longer call.

Scandalous friend is well qualified

Dear Carolyn: Buddy 1 needs some business help, and Buddy 2 is superbly qualified to provide it. I already told 2 that I'd pass her contact information on to 1, but haven't yet. See, 2 was embroiled in quite a sex scandal earlier this year, which was covered a little bit in the local paper.

Do I tell 1 about this? If it were me, I'd want to know, and make my own decisions. He might already know, but I doubt it. There's no worry about 2 coming on to him (he's not her type and they'd probably conduct business by e-mail and telephone anyway).

Surely you've encountered a similar situation before. What is the protocol here?

Carolyn says: Actually, this is my first public-sex-scandal-meets-job-reference protocol question ever. But I'll do my best.

If the scandal has any bearing on the work 2 would be doing for 1, or on 1's professional reputation, then you must mention the scandal. Otherwise, you're just spreading dirt. Surely, too, there are karmic points to be won for helping a scandal die, vs. helping the vile thing along.

E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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