MOM'S PRESSURE COOKER

Jim Gehrz, Star Tribune

Pediatrician Sonja Tarrago with her husband, Rod, and boys Braden, 6, left, and Ian, 4.

In parenting, there's a big difference between sharing tasks and sharing responsibility, author Kristin Maschka -- a Mankato native -- says.

By JULIE PFITZINGER, Special to the Star Tribune

Last update: October 17, 2009 - 1:45 PM

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KRISTIN MASCHKA READING What: Kristin Maschka reads from her book "This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood To Get the Lives We Want Today." Where: Oak Meadows, 8131 4th St. N., Oakdale. When: 7-9 p.m. Tuesday Cost: Free Info: www.mothersandmoreTCE.org

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When her daughter Kate was 5 years old, Kristin Maschka experienced an epiphany courtesy of a toaster waffle. Rushing to get ready for work, she asked her husband, David, to fix a waffle for Kate, which he did, causing his preschooler to burst into tears and his wife to start scolding.

"I told him she would never eat a waffle like that because it was crunchy from the toaster and I always put them in the microwave," said Maschka, author of "This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be: Remodeling Motherhood to Get the Lives We Want Today."

"In that ridiculous moment, I assumed I was in charge of the family and that the only right way to do things was my way," she said. "I realized I resented the role, but at the same time, I felt superior because of it. I'd put myself in that position and it became something of a vicious cycle."

Maschka, a Mankato native now living in California, will be in the Twin Cities this week to promote her new book and attend an event sponsored by the Twin Cities East chapter of Mothers & More, a national support, education and advocacy organization.

In her research for the book and through her role as past president of Mothers & More, Maschka learned that many women feel the pressure to take responsibility for everything in their lives -- job, family and home.

"Even when our spouse does some of the tasks involved in managing daily life, we still tend to feel responsible and this can lead to resentment," Maschka said. "We need to learn to share responsibility or things won't feel like they are really working."

Sonja Tarrago, a Woodbury pediatrician, is the mother of two boys, Braden, 6, and Ian, 4. Her husband, Rod, is a pediatric critical-care specialist at Children's Hospital of St. Paul. Given their work schedules, Tarrago said shared responsibility is key. "We'll make a list and decide who is going to do what," she said. "One person has to have that ultimate responsibility."

Tarrago recently adjusted her schedule and now works three days a week, but she said she couldn't make it work without her mother-in-law, who pitches in to care for the boys. Tarrago also values connections she has made with other mothers in her community.

"Trying to balance everything in my life is not what I thought it would be. Talking to other moms about their experiences helps," Tarrago said.

Maschka believes a support system is critical but is cautious about the explosion of social media sites for mothers that she believes might inadvertently add more pressure.

"It still somehow reinforces the cultural expectation that moms are supposed to be doing everything," Maschka said. "There doesn't seem to be the same kind of online community for fathers, which suggests we're still keeping dads at arm's length when it comes to parenting."

Since the crunchy waffle incident, Maschka and her husband have become more intentional about sharing responsibilities (David now does all the cooking) and Kate, now 8, has taken notice.

"We were watching TV recently and saw a commercial for orange juice that showed a mom and child drinking juice with a voice-over about how the best moms buy the best juice or something like that," Maschka said. "Kate turned to me and said, 'See, they think only moms can take care of kids, but that's not true.'"

Julie Pfitzinger is a West St. Paul freelance writer.

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