Holiday reality check

Signs of the times have been popping up at my house in age-appropriate fashion. The 10-year-old, blessedly oblivious to shrinking 401(k)s, wondered aloud why I bothered to save 40 cents buying one brand of almonds over another a few days before Thanksgiving. The 17-year-old, on the other hand, mentioned something he'd like to have as a Hanukkah gift. Then he quickly added, "How about if I pay for part of it?"

Our kids, mostly those in middle school and high school, are hearing about money woes in school hallways, on the bus and at football games. They have friends whose parents are out of work or adding a second job or selling a second car. Maybe those scenarios are playing out in your house. And they're wondering how this will affect them in everything from what appears under the tree to which colleges are still options. How, then, do we broach the topic with them in a realistic, yet not alarming way?

We asked three national experts in various fields to share their thoughts. We invite you, too, to go to the online version of this article (www.startribune.com/variety) and comment. How are you talking about the economy with family members? How are you managing in these tough times?

Eric Tyson (erictyson.com), author of "Personal Finance for Dummies" and father of three:

"It's a balancing act; educating them about money and about the business world but not in every gory detail. Tell your kids, 'The reality of tougher times means that we're being more careful about how we're spending money. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun.' You can always bring it back to broader concepts: 'Mom and Dad have to work really hard for their money.' Or, 'You do get what you pay for.' These are things adults have learned about being smarter consumers and are habits you want your kids to pick up anyway.

"We all know that teenagers don't have the reasoning and judgment that an adult does, which can lead to unnecessary worry. Yeah, we're in a recession, but we had one in the early 2000s and in the early 1990s. We've been here before. Things are not that bad. Could they get worse? Sure. But it bothers me that some folks in the media have been too negative.

"It's important to emphasize the silver lining. In terms of college expenses, talk about the realities, but parents shouldn't try to steer teens necessarily away from expensive schools, because they may get enough financial aid to be able to attend. And bad times ultimately do turn into good times. When your teenager graduates from college, the economy probably will be different."

Leslie Seppinni, Los Angeles clinical psychologist and specialist in crisis management:

"Teenagers are completely aware of what's going on, whether they're from wealthy, middle- or lower-class families. And they're wondering: 'Is there still a college fund?' One of the issues not being addressed anywhere is that some of these kids are feeling guilty that they didn't keep their grades up. Now they're in their senior year with the economic downturn and suddenly they're feeling shameful. 'Wow. I took too much for granted.' It's the reality of personal responsibility. It's no longer a given that your family will be able to support what you're planning to do. I have one multimillionaire client whose son got a job at the local market to help pay for his books. Kids are feeling a lot of guilt for how privileged they were. 'Oh, now I realize how much things cost.'

"This is a great opportunity to move away from the era of complete gluttony, from the iPod, the cell phone, the $200 jeans, to an era of more spiritual and family connectedness. Talk to your teens. Alleviate their fears: 'All is not lost, because we have each other. If we have to start over, we're starting over together.'

"In terms of the holidays, I do think that each child should still get one material gift that celebrates his or her unique personality and then, maybe, one group gift to share. Moving forward, parents can frame these times as an opportunity for your teenager to assert his or her independence. 'Get a job five hours a week and you can have that cell phone.' We should be saying to our kids, 'We're not doing this just because of the economy. We think it's time we made a shift in our family traditions. And you get to be part of this shift.'"

Darren Hardy, publisher and editorial director of Success Magazine, parent of two:

"Younger children [his are 5 and 8] need to be kids for a while. The most important thing for kids is security, making them feel safe. With adult issues, they aren't really going to understand what they mean. It's important for adults to be discerning consumers, but even more important to be discerning parents.

"When they're in their mid- to late teens, it's OK to expose them to economic issues, but guide them. 'This is what is happening on Wall Street. Let's talk about how this does and does not affect your personal life.'

"This is also a great opportunity to re-evaluate the meaning of the holiday. Along those lines, my wife's family brings out all their toys on Christmas Eve, what they already have, and they put them in a big pile next to the Christmas tree. On Christmas morning, they add two or three new and wrapped packages to the pile. There are a few experiences here. Kids get to see, in all its glory, what they already have. Then they see what's been added to that. It doesn't have to have anything to do with the current economic times. It's how we can appreciate our great abundance."

Gail Rosenblum • 612-673-7350