Boy, was I wrong to stupidly, naively predict that the Kris Humphries-Kim Kardashian nuptials would be an occasion for philanthropy.
This week they signed up for a bridal registry at a lux boutique in Beverly Hills, Gearys. Total cost of everything on the registry, according to the New York Daily News: $172,000.
Among the items they want, according to Hollywoodlife.com, are a Lalique Tourbillon black vase, $6,500, and another Lalique, the Ingrid black vase, $4,625. "Entertainment Tonight" noted items in the price range of Anthony Polski, the Market BBQ scion, who surely expects to be a groomsman at the least. There's a $375 candy jar, a $450 Lalique cactus bottle for beverages or perfume, and $195 ice tongs. ABC News noted the $155 cereal bowl in a story beneath the headline, "Kim Kardashian's Outrageous Wedding Registry." Behold the complete bridal registry for her second trip down the aisle at www.startribune.com/a494.
No word on whether Gordon Gekko will officiate the ceremony.
What a chump I was to think the first line in PR firm Anderson Group's description of Humphries -- as an "NBA star, philanthropist, entrepreneur" -- would have a positive impact on this wedding, which "Entertainment Tonight's" Nancy O'Dell believes will be in August.
Why did I accord charitable aspirations to these lovebirds when (borrowing from Maya Angelou) they've already shown us who they are by needing a 20.5-carat engagement ring to convey their love to themselves and the world?
After receiving a 20.5-carat ring, Kardashian shouldn't require any extra booty. Humphries has a residence from which he travels to work with the New Jersey Nets and an off-season place in Miami; Kardashian has a palatial home in L.A.
There's not another material item these lovebirds need in life. Displaced tornado victims in Joplin, Mo., Tuscaloosa, Ala., the Pratt City part of Birmingham and north Minneapolis are still hurting for the essentials.
MyTalk107.1's Margery and Ian speculated that signing up for a bridal registry has the imprint of Kim's mother, Kris Jenner, on it. Via Twitter, I asked Jenner for confirmation but don't expect to hear back. This family matriarch is busy doing deals -- she's responsible for the Kardashians making $65 million in 2010, according to various websites.
In the first episode of Season 6 of E!'s "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian attempted to punish their mom for letting work come before family more and more. They failed to show for a business meeting with their mom and two others working on a deal. This bratty and unprofessional behavior by adult children led to a confrontation with a justifiably furious Kris, to whom Kourtney whined: "You don't make family time. We used to have family dinners, that's our point. How much money is it worth? Life is about memories and experiences."
That's some great lip service.
Khloe already has told various magazines that Kim's wedding will be 2011's second royal wedding. Big difference from where I sit: William and Kate requested charitable contributions and no wedding gifts. The Royals are worth much more than these reality TV world wonders whose bridal registry is conspicuous consumption at the most vulgar level. It may be even more obscene than a sex tape or a mother (Kris) advising a daughter (Kim) to do a Playboy spread.
Good thing he's coachable
Kris Humphries is accustomed to a coach ordering him around. Good thing.
Although he was wearing an overwhelmed, puppy dog expression, he didn't seem bothered by Kris Jenner telling him exactly what to do as they navigated a mob outside Gearys. But the guys at TMZ were so vexed by the Jenner's taking charge that they are now calling Humphries an unflattering name. I complained to TMZ's Harvey Levin, via Twitter, about the sexist handle and offered advice on making it sexless.
"Like all men who marry Kardashians," said the voice-over guy, "Kris Humphries is about to be totally..." and the screen cut to a clip of Indiana Jones cracking a whip. It's barbarously funny, as you can see at www.startribune.com/a493.
"This is bad," Levin exclaimed on air. "All I'm saying is, he's dealing with a bunch of alphas."
"This family is run by the women," said Max Hodges, who gave Jenner her due, noting how successful she's been marketing the family.
Being run by women is going to be a paradigm shift for Humphries, as I have told you. His businessman daddy, William Humphries, appeared to be running things until Kim and now Jenner came into the picture.
TMZ noted that Kris Humphries at least is not going to be the lowest guy on the totem pole in the Kardashian clan. A photo of Kris Jenner's husband, Bruce Jenner -- the once-gorgeous Olympian whose "nose job" messed up his face -- was slammed on the screen.
"You, poor, poor bastard," intoned the voice-over guy.
Hey, at least Kris Humphries' name was the first to be superimposed on the TV screen when Season 6 of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" debuted. He and Kim belched into each other's faces, so it must be love (although some of that stuff that seems so cute in the beginning of a relationship gets old in a hurry).
C.J. is at 612.332.TIPS or firstname.lastname@example.org. E-mailers, please state a subject -- "Hello" doesn't count. Attachments are not opened, so don't even try. More of her attitude can be seen on Fox 9 Thursday mornings.